Narcissist’s Mixed Messages

Psych Central Article Here

The irony is that narcissists are consistently inconsistent.

If you are in love with someone who sends you constant mixed messages, it can be emotionally damaging to you personally, even causing you to lose your sense of self.  The constant sending of mixed messages causes you to lose trust with your own reality and intuition. You start walking on eggshells because you want to prevent the constant shifts from occurring, not completely realizing the power is 100 percent outside of yourself.

Other terms for this type of experience are “ambivalence,” “gas lighting,” and “mind f%$#ery.”

Mixed messages can come in the following forms:

  • False promises or statements; examples would be telling you they’ll take you somewhere or buy you something in the future, and then it never happens.
  • Doing something mean to you and then acting as if it didn’t just happen and if you try to bring it up, they’ll say something like, “Quit living in the past,” or, “Why are you always so negative?”
  • Taking you out on a fabulous date Friday night and then giving you the silent treatment on Saturday.
  • Promising you your heart’s desires and then withdrawing the promisesblaming you for the change, making statements such as, “You shouldn’t have done ‘such and such,’” or, “I didn’t realize you were so…” or, “You should have thought of that before you did ‘x, y, or z.’”
  • Lying. Emotional abusers seem to be chronic liars. If you try to hold them accountable, they simply deny saying whatever it was you know you heard them say.
  • Using the “Bait and Switch” approach. They act like one person and then become another. You keep wondering, “Where did he/she go?  I know he/she’s in there somewhere.”
  • They don’t “walk the talk.” You hear a lot of words coming out of the abuser’s mouth, but you don’t see any concrete results. It’s always easy to talk about anything; much harder to actually do something meaningful. Narcissists are master false promisers.
  • Having double standards. Here’s a perfect example. A narcissist will lecture you about how you’re dressed – even though you look terrific and are in great shape – while he/she’s 50 pounds overweight and does nothing to take care of his/her appearance.

 

The truth is, emotional abuse is very destructive.  It is particularly destructive because it “falls under the radar.” Others don’t see it, or get it, and oftentimes, neither does the victim. If you are subjected to emotional abuse in the form of mixed messages you most likely don’t even realize you are being abused.

If you are the victim of this experience, then you will experience the following symptoms:

  • Confusion. You will find yourself continually wondering – What happened? Where is he/she? What went wrong? What did I do? How can I fix this? And you look to the abuser for the answers. Yes, he/she will give you answers, but only ones that hurt and confuse you further.
  • Extrinsic Focus. You spend countless hours focusing on the other person – his/her thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. In the process, you aren’t checking in on your own internal voice, feelings, and intuition. You begin measuring your life based on the other person’s actions. Since the other person has a fragmented personality you will never find the stability you need by focusing in that direction.
  • Loss of Self. Because the other person never validates your reality, you stop validating it yourself. You begin to doubt your own experience, and finally lose your sense of reality altogether.

What do you do about it?

If you are subject to this type of problem then you need to do something to rescue yourself. First and foremost is to stop listening to the other person and start listening to your own inner voice. It is important for you to learn how to change the communication patterns you have been conditioned to.

Over time, while in a relationship with an emotional abuser, you have fallen in to a way of relating that is not healthy. In order to survive you have been taught and have taught yourself to turn off your own voice, listening only to the voice of the other person. Make your voice the compass, not the other person’s.

As you start listening to yourself instead of the other person, you will most likely face resistance from him/her. Don’t let this trouble you. Realize this – you haven’t been able to please this person anyway so you might as well stop trying. This is step three – stop walking on eggshells. Simply walk. Just be yourself. Say what you want to say and do what you want to do. As the other person loses control over you, he/she will be angry. He/she will “up the ante” and start doing retaliatory behaviors.  After all, you have dared to rebel!

Once you listen to yourself instead of the other person and stop walking on eggshells, realize you have declared war. I know it seems ridiculous that these two simple acts are hostile – because they really aren’t – but the narcissist will feel and believe that these acts are hostile on your behalf. He/she will panic because of his/her loss of control over you. This is detrimental to his/her side of the relationship.

In order to survive this war declaration, you must be at a place where you are no longer dependent on the other person for anything – emotional, financial, or physical. The narcissist will retaliate by taking away anything that you value, especially him/herself. As he/she loses grips on you, he/she will frantically search for a new victim. You will probably experience the silent treatment and “ghosting,” followed by a discard. You will be discarded. Mark my words. The narcissist sees no other alternative.

Yes, it is crazy. Yes, it makes no common sense to the average person who simply wants a loving relationship that is mutually satisfying. Afterall, you have no need to control other people in order to survive. But the best thing you can do for your recovery from this insanity is to rescue yourself. Take care of yourself. Walk away. This is the last step.

Walking away is hard, but what else can you do? Do you want to spend the rest of your life subjected to warfare just because you want to express your autonomy?  Is there any value in any relationship where you can’t be who you are?

Even if you don’t physically walk away from the relationship entirely; say you are married to this person or it is a parent and you are still tied to the person structurally, then you are still stuck with a discard situation. Don’t lie to yourself.  In this case, you will have to mentally detach from the relationship if you want to be yourself. You will have to live a life without having any needs met by the other person because he/she is incapable of meeting them. especially on your terms.

 

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When A Sociopath Meets An INFJ

 

an INFJ personality and a sociopath embrace
Sociopathy is otherwise known as antisocial personality disorder. Codependency is also called relationship addiction. An INFJ is one of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types. So what do these three things have in common?

A person with an INFJ personality is first and foremost an introvert. This means he or she often prefers staying in to going out, and solitude to socializing. This can make things difficult when the INFJ wants to meet someone new. The thought of making small talk with a group of unfamiliar people can be enough to make an introvert scrap the idea of forming a romantic relationship altogether.

Enter the sociopath. The term conjures images of people like John Gacy, Ted Bundy, or Jeffrey Dahmer. But not every sociopath is a serial killer. Sociopaths share common traits like failing to conform to the rules of society and deceitfulness, but they are also intelligent, charismatic, and charming. Their intelligence allows them to engage in deep conversations about abstract concepts, something INFJs crave with their whole being. The sociopath is a master at manipulation and will attempt to play on the INFJ’s emotions until he successfully charms her into a relationship that he can exploit to his full advantage.

(Please note: I’m using the pronouns “he” and “she” only as an example. Both sociopaths and INFJs can be any gender. And, although this article explores the relationship between the INFJ and the sociopath, INFJs are not the only Myers-Briggs personality type who may become entangled with sociopaths.)

Let’s take a look at how a relationship between an INFJ and a sociopath might unfold, plus why INFJs may keep trying to save the relationship long after others would call it quits.

(What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality assessment.)

The INFJ and the Sociopath in a Relationship

The INFJ is caring and empathetic. Her life’s mission is to help other people solve problems, so when the sociopath tells her that his landlord unfairly evicted him from his apartment, the INFJ is quick to offer him a place to stay. The sociopath may spin an elaborate tale that plays on the INFJ’s sympathies. The more solutions that the INFJ offers, the wilder the sociopath’s story becomes until it seems that there is no other solution than to have the sociopath move in permanently.

When the sociopath says that moving has put a strain on him financially, the INFJ’s selfless nature may move her to reach into her wallet to lend him money. Then the sociopath gets into a car accident. It seems that the insurance company has raised his rates, so the master manipulator once again spins the situation to his advantage. He tells the INFJ that if she covers him under her insurance, not only will it be cheaper for him, but she will also get a multi-car discount. The INFJ has high levels of empathy, so she is once again eager to help. She may not see that the sociopath is creating a situation that takes responsibilities away from him, and puts them on her.

By the time the sociopath has failed to kick in his share of the car insurance payment, the INFJ has also seen other irresponsible and deceitful behaviors. Kind and caring, the INFJ may not give the sociopath an ultimatum. Instead, she seeks to find the reason for the sociopath’s irresponsibility. She believes that if she can make a connection between the cause of the sociopath’s behavior, and a solution to his problem, she can come up with a plan to fix the situation.

Sociopaths engage in risky behaviors with no concern for the consequences they bring. So it’s not surprising that many sociopaths have problems with drugs and alcohol. The INFJ may liken his substance abuse to an illness, because this reasoning aligns with her empathetic nature. The INFJ’s passion and devotion to causes may lead her to put all her energy into finding a cure for the sociopath’s illness.

Supportive Caretaker vs. Codependent Enabler

This is where the actions of the well-intentioned INFJ begin to walk the fine line between supportive caretaker and codependent enabler. Codependency is a term for a dysfunctional relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, immaturity, or irresponsibility. The codependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of the person who is “sick.”

And this comes at a huge cost. When codependents place other people’s health, welfare, and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self. The Extroverted Feeling function (Fe) of the INFJ allows her to tune her behavior to the needs of the sociopath, so the more changes the INFJ implements in an effort to help the sociopath, the more codependent the relationship becomes.

The INFJ enjoys seeing a project to completion. Unfortunately for the INFJ, her efforts to cure the sociopath’s addiction will never be complete. Addiction is a symptom of antisocial personality disorder, and there is no cure for the disorder itself. As with any form of substance abuse, the addict has to want to change, and since a sociopath has no regard for the risks associated with drug abuse, it is unlikely that finding a solution to the problem is something that he will actively seek.

The harder the INFJ pushes for sobriety, the more hostile, irritable, agitated, and aggressive the sociopath will become. When the INFJ asks him where he’s been, he may criticize her for being paranoid. When she denies him access to her money, he may chastise her for being too controlling. When she refuses to cover for his indiscretions, he may complain that she’s not being supportive. For the INFJ who seeks to please others, the constant conflict can become almost unbearable, and she may do just about anything to keep the peace.

The INFJ’s Breaking Point

Fortunately for the INFJ, she also has a breaking point. When her need for personal growth, emotional intimacy, and shared values have been met with deception, betrayal, and hurt, she will react with an explosion of negative emotions. Her natural problem-solving abilities will eventually turn to solving a new issue; how to escape from the codependent relationship with the sociopath.

The INFJ will realize that putting out a hundred sparks will not stop her house from burning unless she does something about the giant bonfire in the middle of the living room. She may react by lashing out at the sociopath, or cutting him out of her life completely — what’s referred to as “the INFJ door slam.

Often the catalyst for this change comes from realizing that the codependent relationship is having an adverse affect on others in the INFJ’s life. Being a devoted and caring parent, the INFJ will be quick to stop any action that threatens the safety of her children even if it means upsetting the sociopath that has taken so much of her time and energy.


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When the INFJ has had enough, her otherwise warm and caring nature can turn cold and distant. Her interactions with the sociopath may become blunt and judgmental. This dark side of the INFJ personalitysurfaces when she can no longer tolerate the emotional pain of the toxic relationship.

To the sociopath, it may seem like this behavior has come out of nowhere, but for the INFJ, it comes after intense contemplation of the many wrongs that have exhausted her patience. Though leaving a toxic and abusive relationship comes with its own challenges, the dark side of the INFJ is stubborn and intense. She will turn her attention towards a future where the sociopath no longer controls her emotions. Drawing on her Introverted Intuition, she will process what she has learned from this relationship and will finally have the closure that she seeks.

Are You in a Relationship with a Sociopath?

Antisocial personality disorder can only be diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional, but as with any condition, there are signs and symptoms to watch for, such as:

  • Sociopaths are fast talkers. They will switch back and forth between charm and threats to get what they want from you.
  • They do not take responsibility for their actions. They will place blame on everyone but themselves.
  • They will play the part of the victim and try to exploit your sympathy.

While these are some common signs, the easiest way to tell if you are dealing with a sociopath is to focus on their behavior rather than their words. The sociopath may tell you that they care about you, but if they were unable to speak, would their actions let you know? If the answer is no, you might be in a relationship with a sociopath. So what do you do about it?

  • End the relationship. Antisocial personality disorder is one of the most difficult disorders to treat because the sociopath has to want to change. The disorder itself makes them unable to see that they are the problem. Trust me on this; as much as you’d like to, you can’t fix them!
  • Leave. If you share a residence, it’s better to get out now and cut your losses. Stay with a friend or relative until you can secure a permanent place without the sociopath’s name on the lease. If the sociopath lives in your home, be prepared to have a law enforcement officer escort them off the premises, and file a restraining order if needed.
  • If you are in a situation that requires you to still associate with the sociopath, such as when children are involved, try to keep communication to only what is necessary. Use text messaging instead of phone calls whenever possible.
  • If you must communicate with the sociopath, do so calmly and without passion. The sociopath will most likely try to provoke you into an argument or debate that will toy with your emotions. Do not engage! The best way to discourage them is to not play their game.
  • Seek help. When you are ready to leave, the sociopath will play the victim. They will try to convince others that you have treated them unfairly. The more people who know your side of the story, the more difficult it will be for them to drag your name through the mud. Seek support from friends, family, law enforcement, and legal help when necessary. Find a support group for survivors of sociopaths and narcissists or speak to a mental health counselor about your feelings.

If you think you may be dealing with codependency, or need help escaping an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-SAFE.

7 Reasons Girls Stay In Toxic Relationships When They Should Get The Hell Out

Author Article

1. He apologized. He said he was sorry. He promised he was never going to make the same mistake again. Even though it’s not the first time he screwed up, he seemed genuinely upset about hurting you this time. His apology seemed authentic this time. You love him, so you want to see the best in him. You want to believe him. You want to give him a second chance.

2. You have a long, complicated history. You’ve invested hours, months, years into this relationship. You fought to get this far, so you don’t want to give up on him now. You don’t want all of your hard work to be for nothing. Besides, you are a ride or die. You won’t walk away when there is something, anything, you can do to try to make the relationship work. You are willing to sacrifice for him. You are willing to put your happiness and mental health aside because you stubbornly want this relationship to work out, even if you’re the only one putting in effort.

3. You don’t want to admit he’s changed. You don’t like the way he’s been treating you lately — but it doesn’t matter. You still see him as the good guy you first met. You know he has a soft heart. You know he has a kind soul. You aren’t sure why he’s been treating you so terribly lately, but you are holding onto the hope he will change back into the guy you first fell in love with a long time ago. You know he’s in there somewhere.

4. You blame alcohol for his actions. He’s not himself when he’s drinking or smoking or shooting up. He’s fine when he’s sober. He’s nice when he’s sober. You love him when he’s sober. You don’t want to blame him for things he doesn’t even remember doing. You don’t want to leave him when he never actually meant to hurt you.

5. You think the single life would be too hard to adjust to. You don’t want to find a new place to live. You don’t want to split your belongings. You don’t want to change your entire lifestyle. You’re used to him, used to the arguments, used to the pain. You can handle it for a little longer.

6. You blame yourself for his actions. When he gets angry with you, you see his point. You know how frustrating you can be. You can’t blame him for screaming at you, cursing at you, hitting you. You consider yourself unlovable, so you are happy he sticks around at all. You are happy you’ve found someone who can deal with you. That’s what you keep telling yourself.

7. You are lying to yourself. You are making excuses. You are covering for him. You are telling yourself what you want to hear.

But you need to leave. It doesn’t matter if he apologized. It doesn’t matter if you have a history. It doesn’t matter if he used to treat you well. It doesn’t matter if he’s different when he drinks. It doesn’t matter if you get under his skin. It doesn’t matter if it will be difficult to live without him. You need to leave.

Healing From A Toxic Relationship Won’t Happen Overnight

Author Article

Healing from a toxic relationship takes time. It takes effort. You have to make the conscious decision to change, to better yourself, to put your past in the past.

In order to heal from a toxic relationship, you have to accept your ex is in your past. You have to delete their number from your phone. You have to avoid the urge to reach out to them when you are drunk, when you are lonely, when you are scared you’ve made a mistake by leaving them. You have to remind yourself they are out of your world for a reason. You have to remind yourself you are better off without them weighing you down.

In order to heal from a toxic relationship, you have to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for accepting such poor treatment. Forgive yourself for staying for such a long time. Forgive yourself for growing distant from family and friends who were only trying to help you. Forgive yourself for ignoring the red flags, ignoring your gut.

In order to heal from a toxic relationship, you have to grow comfortable with the idea of being alone. You have to accept the single life is better than life with an abusive ex. You have to get used to being on your own. You cannot rebound with the first person who treats you better than your ex treated you. You cannot jump into a new relationship without working on ridding yourself of the baggage your last relationship brought you. You cannot assume a brand new relationship is the only thing that will make you feel better. You cannot let yourself believe happiness and relationship status are linked.

In order to heal from a toxic relationship, you have to raise your standards. You have to rediscover your self-worth. You have to practice self-care. You have to treat your mental health as a priority. You have to realize you are someone worthy of love and respect. You have to promise yourself you are not going to take crap from anyone anymore. You have to recognize what you deserve. You have to fight for what you deserve.

In order to heal from a toxic relationship, you have to remain patient. You have to remember results are not going to be seen overnight. It’s going to take a while to trust again. It’s going to take a while to love again. Your struggles are valid and so are your emotions. No matter how long your healing takes, you cannot give up on yourself. You cannot swear off of relationships. You cannot hide yourself away. You cannot assume you are unlovable and will never be happy again.

Even if it’s hard to believe right now, you are going to heal from this heartbreak. You are going to reach a place where you feel confident and strong again. You are going to mean it when you say you are okay. You just have to have faith in yourself. You are more resilient than you think

This Is How Women Get Stranded In Unhealthy Relationships

Author Article

Woman alone
Image by Alex Tan / Death to the Stock Photo

The idea of “unconditional devotion” is in many ways a beautiful one—and one I’ve personally bought into for most of my life and still somewhat align myself with today. To love someone without conditions, without prerequisites, without concern for what they give you in return, and in spite of all their faults, flaws, mistakes, and hurtful altercations to come. It’s the stuff our entire Western conceptualization of love is based around these days, as well as the movie narratives featuring grandiose displays of passion and sacrifice.

But for all the beauty and intimacy that can come from forging a bond based on unconditional devotion, that type of commitment can also be what keeps people trapped in otherwise unhappy relationships—particularly women.

How women get stranded in relationships that no longer serve them.

When you’ve committed to loving your partner no matter what they do, it makes it easy and acceptable to put up with unsavory behavior even when it goes too far—or to go along with an unsatisfying relationship that may not hurt but still drains, numbs, or simply doesn’t quite feel right.

Women, in particular, receive tacit encouragement to make their relationships work, even those that are flawed, harmful, or simply not serving them. This happens in two specific ways:

Women have been taught to prioritize having successful relationships.

In most cultures, women are raised to place more importance on having successful relationships than men are. It’s the reason every heroine in a movie needs a male love interest, why professional women are asked questions about “having it all” when men aren’t, why women not married by age 30 are called “leftover women” in some parts of China—the list of examples goes on and on.

“Women have a harder time ending relationships in general than men do—and yes, that’s absolutely because of socialization,” Kara Loewentheil, master confidence coach and host of the UnF*ck Your Brain podcast, tells mbg. “Women are socialized to believe that their value comes from male approval and that being in a romantic relationship is their highest aim and goal in life. Even women who are raised with feminist values and who care about their career and personal happiness are still growing up in a culture where romantic ‘success’ is constantly portrayed as a woman’s highest calling and fulfillment.”

In her book Hard to Do: The Surprising, Feminist History of Breaking Up, journalist Kelli María Korducki outlines the social, economic, and political historical events that led to women finally being able to not only choose the relationships they wanted to be in but also leave unsatisfactory ones freely. Although women are no longer tied to unhappy relationships because of a lack of property rights or moneymaking power today, Korducki points out that the advent of love marriage as a replacement for economic marriages didn’t necessarily free women from the pressure to find a husband. The social ostracization inherent in “spinsterhood” was still too great.

“With the emergence of a companionate, affectionate marriage ideal came increased social pressure for women to endeavor upon the project of cheerful domesticity,” Korducki writes. “Marriage and the family became recoded as arenas for women’s spiritual actualization, the locus for pure fulfillment as opposed to a plane of existence largely grounded in duty. In a sense, post-Enlightenment wifehood took on the set of signifiers we still see reinforced by a certain style of mommy blog and lifestyle Instagram account in the 21st century.”

Today, women experiencing a breakup are still often seen as personal failures (see: the whole hoopla over Jennifer Aniston “losing” Brad Pitt to Angelina Jolie back in the day). Add that to the myth of how rare a “good man” is to find, Loewentheil points out, and it’s not surprising that women might be reluctant to leave a relationship they’ve already secured.

“Of course a woman is going to be more inclined to stay in a relationship that isn’t really what she wants because the alternative she sees is feeling lonely, used up, not good enough, invalidated, and having to start the process all over again,” Loewentheil says. “The real tragedy is that in encouraging women to believe that happiness and worth come from their romantic relationships, we actually end up creating a situation where so many of them stay in unhappy relationships because they would rather be with someone than no one.”

Women are raised with more empathy and caretaking intuition.

Women tend to be more empathetic than men, and genes don’t explain much of it. As a society, we expect girls and women to be more understanding toward other people’s feelings, have better people skills, and be better caretakers—it’s why girls are encouragedto speak softly, be more accommodating, participate in kitchen and household tasks, and play with baby dolls and toy kitchens.

These emotional skills are key to having better self-awareness, healthier relationships, and more compassion for others throughout your life, of course—but that empathy can also sometimes backfire. Research shows people are more likely to stay in unhappy relationships when they feel the other person needs the relationship, and because of the way they’re raised, women are all the more likely to be hypersensitive to their partner’s needs and to prioritize their partner’s happiness above their own.

It’s not hard to see why this socialization might lead to a lot of women sticking it out in relationships that don’t really bring them much personal happiness.

“Empathetic people are great at explaining other people’s crappy behavior away,” psychotherapist and executive coach Perpetua Neoexplains. “In unhealthy relationships, sometimes the other party pays lip service, saying they’ll change. And as the nurturer, we want to help them change. Except that keeping them accountable is what gets us sucked in.”

How to know when your devotion is holding you back.

Are you staying in your relationship because it’s one worth fighting for—or because you feel a subconscious pressure to make it work, even if it’s not really want you want? It’s a tough question to answer because it involves deeply interrogating the roots of your beliefs around love, how you were raised to view relationships, and the true nature of your bond with your partner.

Here are a few ways to help you reflect and recognize when it’s really time to leave:

1. Consider where you learned your style of commitment.

We all learn how to love from somewhere or someone, Neo says: “Who were your models of unconditional devotion? For instance, if Mom and Dad are extremely devoted to each other, it may be because they both deserve it! They both may be the types who make things work and love and respect each other.” Can you say the same for your partner?

Related Class

2. Ditch the belief that your partner needs to be full-on toxic before you have a reason to leave.

“It isn’t about whether someone is ‘full-on toxic’ or not. They exist on a spectrum,” Neo explains. “It isn’t about whether you sometimes exhibit toxic behaviors; we all do.”

Here’s the real question you need to ask yourself, according to Neo: Is this person good to me and for me?

You don’t need a reason to leave. If you want to leave, that’s reason enough.

3. Ask yourself this: Is your partner as invested in you as you are in them?

Even if you’re still investing energy in the relationship, it’s important to recognize whether you’re getting that same investment back from your partner, clinical sexologist and sex therapist Cyndi Darnell tells mbg. This is especially important for highly empathetic women who feel deep devotion to their partner. Is your level of devotion matched and returned to you? If it’s not, you need to be able to release yourself from the commitment you’ve self-created.

“If your partner has already given up on you, it’s hard to give them up too,” Darnell says. “It’s important to remember relationships are a choice, not an obligation.”

4. Make lists and write letters. Lots of them.

Contrary to lessons you may have taken away from Ross and Rachel’s relationship on Friends, Darnell is a big proponent of making lists to help you weigh your decision to stay or leave. “Write a pros and cons list. Literally,” she recommends. “Reflect on the contents of the list and ask yourself, Is this worth it? Write the reasons why and why not. Write a letter to yourself defending the relationship. Then write another prosecuting it.”

Pay attention to your gut—the physical sensations inside you—as you go through this process. As you make a case for both possible paths forward, Darnell says the answer may just come to you: “Check in with your body—which process resonated more? The body holds deep wisdom in these situations.”

5. Get some distance.

Darnell recommends taking some time to separate yourself from the situation. “Imagine it was a friend telling you their story,” she suggests. “What advice would you give your friend? Sometimes it’s more effective when we take ourselves out of the equation a little bit.”

6. Get real.

Here are a few powerful questions Loewentheil recommends asking yourself:

  • “If I knew there was plenty of love out there for me, and I could meet someone else, would I stay in this relationship?”
  • “If I knew I could be happy as a single person, would I stay in this relationship?”
  • “What feelings and thoughts am I afraid I would have if I left this relationship? Do I want to believe those thoughts? Am I willing to have those feelings in order to experience what might be on the other side?”
  • “If I knew I could feel good about myself however my partner acted, would I stay in this relationship?”
  • “What thoughts and feelings am I wishing I would magically think and have if I had a different partner?”

“What all these questions have in common is that they are ways of asking your brain to separate your thoughts and feelings from your circumstances,” she explains. “No relationship causes your feelings or actually validates you or means anything about you. All of that is caused by your thoughts. So asking questions like these can help illuminate why you are staying in a relationship or why you are leaving it to make sure that you aren’t making these decisions based on wanting someone else to deliver validation, confidence, or worth to you—because they never can or will.”

10 Tips for Dealing with a Narcissistic Personality

Author Article

We tend to use the word narcissist to describe a person who’s self-centered and short on empathy. But it’s important to remember that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a legitimate mental health condition that requires diagnosis by a mental health professional.

Still, people can exhibit some narcissistic characteristics without having NPD. These might include:

  • having an inflated sense of self
  • needing constant praise
  • taking advantage of others
  • not recognizing or caring about the needs of others

To make things more complicated, people with NPD or narcissistic tendencies are often very sensitive to criticism, despite their high self-esteem.

Here’s a look at some practical ways to deal with someone who has NPD or narcissistic tendencies — plus some tips for recognizing when it’s time to move on.

1. See them for who they really are

When they want to, those with narcissistic personalities are pretty good at turning on the charm. You might find yourself drawn to their grand ideas and promises. This can also make them particularly popular in work settings.

But before you get drawn in, watch how they treat people when they’re not “on stage.” If you catch them lying, manipulating, or blatantly disrespecting others, there’s no reason to believe they won’t do the same to you.

Despite what someone with a narcissistic personality may say, your wants and needs are likely unimportant to them. And if you try to bring up this issue, you may be met with resistance.

The first step in dealing with someone who has a narcissistic personality is simply accepting that this is who they are — there’s not much you can do to change that.

2. Break the spell and stop focusing on them

When there’s a narcissistic personality in your orbit, attention seems to gravitate their way. That’s by design — whether it’s negative or positive attention, those with narcissistic personalities work hard to keep themselves in the spotlight.

You might soon find yourself buying into this tactic, pushing aside your own needs to keep them satisfied.

If you’re waiting for a break in their attention-seeking behavior, it may never come. No matter how much you adjust your life to suit to their needs, it’s never going to be enough.

If you must deal with a narcissistic personality, don’t allow them to infiltrate your sense of self or define your world. You matter, too. Regularly remind yourself of your strengths, desires, and goals.

Take charge and carve out some “me time.” Take care of yourself first and remember that it’s not your job to fix them.

3. Speak up for yourself

There are times when ignoring something or simply walking away is an appropriate response — pick your battles, right?

But a lot depends on the relationship. For example, dealing with a boss, parent, or spouse may call for different strategies than dealing with a co-worker, sibling, or child.

Some people with narcissistic personalities enjoy making others squirm. If that’s the case, try not to get visibly flustered or show annoyance, as that will only urge them to continue.

If it’s someone you’d like to keep close in your life, then you owe it to yourself to speak up. Try to do this in a calm, gentle manner.

You must tell them how their words and conduct impact your life. Be specific and consistent about what’s not acceptable and how you expect to be treated. But prepare yourself for the fact that they may simply not understand — or care.

4. Set clear boundaries

A person with a narcissistic personality is often quite self-absorbed.

They might think they’re entitled to go where they want, snoop through your personal things, or tell you how you should feel. Maybe they give you unsolicited advice and take credit for things you’ve done. Or pressure you to talk about private things in a public setting.

They may also have little sense of personal space, so they tend to cross a lot of boundaries. More often than not, they don’t even see them. That’s why you have to be abundantly clear about boundaries that are important to you.

Why would the consequences matter to them? Because someone with a narcissistic personality typically starts to pay attention when things start affecting them personally.

Just make sure it’s not an idle threat. Talk about consequences only if you’re ready to carry them out as stated. Otherwise, they won’t believe you the next time.

FOR EXAMPLE

Say you have a co-worker who loves to park their big truck in a way that makes it hard for you to back out. Start by firmly asking them to make sure they leave you enough space. Then, state the consequences for not respecting your wishes.

For example, if you can’t safely back out, you’ll have their car towed. The key is to follow through and call the towing company the next time it happens.

5. Expect them to push back

If you stand up to someone with a narcissistic personality, you can expect them to respond.

Once you speak up and set boundaries, they may come back with some demands of their own. They may also try to manipulate you into feeling guilty or believing that you’re the one being unreasonable and controlling. They might make a play for sympathy.

Be prepared to stand your ground. If you take a step backward, they won’t take you seriously next time.

6. Remember that you’re not at fault

A person with narcissistic personality disorder isn’t likely to admit a mistake or take responsibility for hurting you. Instead, they tend to project their own negative behaviors onto you or someone else.

You might be tempted to keep the peace by accepting blame, but you don’t have to belittle yourself to salvage their ego.

You know the truth. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

7. Find a support system

If you can’t avoid the person, try to build up your healthy relationships and support network of people. Spending too much time in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who has a narcissistic personality can leave you emotionally drained.

Rekindle old friendships and try to nurture new ones. Get together with family more often. If your social circle is smaller than you’d prefer, try taking a class to explore a new hobby. Get active in your community or volunteer for a local charity. Do something that allows you to meet more people you feel comfortable with.

WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

Spending a lot of time with someone who has a narcissistic personality can make it hard to remember what a healthy relationship even feels like.

Here’s a few signs to look for:

  • both people listen and make an effort to understand each other
  • both people acknowledge their mistakes and take responsibility for them
  • both people feel like they can relax and be their true selves in front of the other
8. Insist on immediate action, not promises

People with narcissistic personalities are good at making promises. They promise to do what you want and not to do that thing you hate. They promise to generally do better.

And they might even be sincere about these promises. But make no mistake about it: The promise is a means to an end for someone with a narcissistic personality.

Once they get what they want, the motivation is gone. You can’t count on their actions matching their words.

Ask for what you want and stand your ground. Insist that you’ll only fulfill their requests after they’ve fulfilled yours.

Don’t give in on this point. Consistency will help drive it home.

9. Understand that a narcissistic person may need professional help

People with NPD often don’t see a problem — at least not with themselves. As a result, it’s unlikely they’ll ever seek professional counseling.

But people with NPD frequently have other disorders, such as substance abuse, or other mental health or personality disorders. Having another disorder may be what prompts someone to seek help.

You can suggest that they reach out for professional help, but you can’t make them do it. It’s absolutely their responsibility, not yours.

And remember, while NPD is a mental health condition, it doesn’t excuse bad or abusive behavior.

10. Recognize when you need help

Regularly dealing with someone who has a narcissistic personality can take a toll on your own mental and physical health.

If you have symptoms of anxietydepression, or unexplained physical ailments, see your primary care doctor first. Once you have a checkup, you can ask for referrals to other services, such as therapists and support groups.

Reach out to family and friends and call your support system into service. There’s no need to go it alone.

When to move on

Some people with a narcissistic personality can also be verbally or emotionally abusive.

Here are some signs of an abusive relationship:

  • name-calling, insults
  • patronizing, public humiliation
  • yelling, threatening
  • jealousy, accusations

Other warning signs to watch for in the other person include:

  • blaming you for everything that goes wrong
  • monitoring your movements or attempting to isolate you
  • telling you how you really feel or should feel
  • routinely projecting their shortcomings onto you
  • denying things that are obvious to you or attempting to gaslight you
  • trivializing your opinions and needs

But at what point is it time to throw in the towel? Every relationship has its ups and downs, right?

While this is true, it’s generally best to leave the relationship if:

  • you’re being verbally or emotionally abused
  • you feel manipulated and controlled
  • you’ve been physically abused or feel threatened
  • you feel isolated
  • the person with NPD or a narcissistic personality shows signs of mental illness or substance abuse, but won’t get help
  • your mental or physical health has been affected

Can Malignant Narcissists and Psychopaths Change? Why You Shouldn’t Count On It

Author Article

Malignant narcissism has been described as an “intermediate” between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder, two disorders which, despite some differences like the level of grandiosity and tendency for criminal behavior involved, have many overlapping symptoms as well (Kernberg, 1989; Gunderson & Ronningstam, 2001). Malignant narcissists are higher on the spectrum of narcissism and possess these antisocial traits, paranoia, and sadism in addition to their narcissism. They may not all be physically violent, but many of them are psychologically violent and aggressive towards those they target.

I find that there are a few myths that hold us back from holding abusive malignant narcissists as well as more colloquially termed “psychopaths” accountable for their actions. I list them below, along with some much-needed reality checks.

MYTH #1: Anyone is capable of change.

REALITY CHECK: People are capable of change when they are willing to do what it takes to change – malignant narcissists often aren’t, due to the nature of their disorder.

What people forget is that certain disorders have hardwired behavioral patterns which originated in childhood, or in some cases, were preexisting even at birth. When readers ask me, “Can narcissists ever change?” they’re often not asking about narcissists on the lower end of the spectrum. These survivors have experienced horrific and heinous acts of emotional, verbal, sometimes even sexual or physical abuse by partners, co-workers, friends, parents, or other family members on the high end of the narcissistic spectrum. Just take a look at some of the terrifying ordeals they shared with me here. 

As therapist Andrea Schneider, LCSW writes, “For individuals who are further on the spectrum of narcissism, change is very limited and so is insight. A malignant narcissist or psychopath will not change; they are sadly welded to their ways and hardwired to be who they are.”

Abusive people are rewarded by their behavior and malignant narcissists do not believe anything is wrong with them. Their inherent sense of superiority and callous lack of empathy and remorse, propensity towards exploiting others, as well as a lack of willingness to change their behavior, are intrinsic to their disorder.

These types do not go to therapy voluntarily unless they have an agenda in mind – usually, one of manipulating the therapist, or attending couples therapy to paint their victims as the abusers. That is why The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not recommend getting couples therapy with your abuser. Abuse is not a communication problem – it is a problem stemming from the dysfunction of the abuser. In many cases, couples therapy can cause the abuser to retaliate against the victim and further gaslight them in the therapy space. These types can be highly charming and charismatic, fooling even the most skilled of mental health professionals.

Most malignant narcissists and psychopaths go to therapy because they are court-ordered, not because they are motivated to change in any authentic way.

MYTH # 2: Their trauma made them do it, so we have to be sympathetic to them.

REALITY CHECK: There is still no final clinical verdict on what causes these disorders, although there are theories. The myth that all abusers have a traumatic upbringing is just that – a myth. Some abusers come from traumatic backgrounds, while others do not. There are also millions of survivors of malignant narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths who have suffered horrific traumas in childhood and they choose not to abuse. Abuse is, and will always be a choice.

As with any disorder, it is usually a mixture of nature and nurture at the root. Environment and upbringing usually interact with a biological predisposition to produce these disorders, so trauma can certainly be one possible cause. Clinicians are still not certain of what causes NPD, but they do have theories. Research also suggests that those with narcissistic traits grow up in households where they are overvalued, spoiled, and raised with an excessive sense of entitlement (Brummelman, et al., 2015). These narcissistic traits in childhood can later become full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in adulthood.

While overvaluing a child can be a form of mistreatment as well, it’s important to realize that not every narcissist grows up in a household with the type of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse we would assume they do. This is important to note, as many survivors are often reminded by society to view their abusers in a sympathetic light – sometimes for traumas they didn’t even suffer!

The need to rationalize abusive behavior based on a presumption of past trauma can cause survivors to continually minimize their own pain and excuse their abuser’s actions while remaining within the abuse cycle. In addition, because malignant narcissists and psychopaths have a limited emotional range and experience shallow emotions, they do not feel that much distress as one would assume they do in adulthood – if anything, they suffer from perpetual boredom and high levels of rage (Hare, 2011).

Many of the victims of malignant narcissists, however, do suffer, and did suffer in childhood too. In fact, I have spoken with hundreds of survivors who have been raised by narcissistic parents and were later abused by malignant narcissists in relationships. Some were abused by malignant narcissists who came from loving families. We have to remember that those who are full-fledged psychopaths may have been born that way, and if so, it may not be due to childhood trauma at all.

If anything, we need to remember to have empathy for the traumas that survivors, not their perpetrators, have endured. These same survivors chose not to abuse others, and instead, their traumas caused them to be very careful about the way they treat others. The effects of this type of abuse on the victims can result in PTSD or Complex PTSD, depression, anxiety, self-isolation, self-harm, and even suicidal ideation.

MYTH # 3: They are mentally ill, so obviously they can’t control it!

REALITY CHECK: Many of us have empathy for those who suffer from a wide variety of mental illnesses. Malignant narcissism and psychopathy are very different from other mental illnesses. As Dr. George Simon notes, these disorders are “character disorders.” These individuals are not in a state of psychosis nor do they experience the same type of despair that other mentally ill people struggle with (at least, certainly not despair at causing others pain). While most mentally ill people struggle with their sense of self-worth and have empathy for others, malignant narcissists deem themselves to be superior and regularly violate the rights of others to meet their own needs. They know exactly what they’re doing, and many of them enjoy doing it.

Research tells us that malignant narcissists have cognitive empathy and the intellectual ability to distinguish between right and wrong, and even show a sadistic pleasure at seeing sad faces; they know how to discern the fact that their victims are experiencing pain, but unlike empathic human beings, their motivation is not to alleviate that pain, but to provoke it even more (Wai and Tiliopoulos, 2012).

We also know that malignant narcissists don disguises and are adept at impression management. They can be wolves in sheep’s clothing in order to meet their agendas – whether it is to ensnare a victim into a fake relationship, create a harem of adoring fans, present themselves as a charitable public figure in the community, or climb the corporate ladder.

This type of mask-wearing takes energy and skill. They can put on the mask and change their behavior temporarily to get what they want – which means they are fully in control of their actions. They could choose to use that same energy and skill to modify their behavior accordingly to inflict less harm – but given the nature of their disordered ways of thinking and behaving, they simply do not wish to.

Many manipulative abusers will temporarily morph into the “nice” people they presented themselves to be at the beginning of relationships to get you ensnared back into the toxic cycle just to abuse you again. Don’t fall for it. They always revert back to their true, abusive selves.

THE BIG PICTURE

These myths contribute to enabling the abuser at the expense of victims and give people false hope. This false hope feeds into the idea of being the exception, not the rule, which causes survivors of malignant narcissists to remain entrenched in the abuse cycle for decades in the hopes that they will change. Recovery from this form of manipulation and violence can take a lifetime to unravel and heal, which is why it is so important that victims of abuse get out sooner rather than later.

I’ve corresponded with thousands of survivors over the course of this work and not once have I heard of a success story of their partner changing long-term, even when given hundreds of chances. Nor have I heard any success stories from the fellow therapists, life coaches, and advocates who write about and specialize in this form of abuse. What I have heard are horror stories of the abuse which escalates once the victims let the abuser into their lives again.

If an abuser wants to change (and usually they profess this as another manipulation tactic to get you to stay), they’ll have to do that on their own. Don’t put yourself in the middle of their chaos and destruction. It’s not your responsibility to change an abuser, regardless of their background or their disorder.

Do not buy into the myths that people who have not experienced this type of abuse tend to spread, even if they seem to have credentials when doing so. I’ve heard from countless survivors who have experienced secondary gaslighting from mental health professionals or academics who do not understand this form of covert violence.

Listen to the experts who have been there and those who have clients who have been terrorized by these predatory types.  They are the ones who truly know what it is like. They understand that empathy for predators, when used to justify or excuse abusive behavior, is ultimately damaging not only to victims of abuse but society as a whole.

Remember, just because someone is a mental health professional or has a doctoral degree does not automatically mean they understand the depth of these specific personality disorders and the impact they can have in relationships. Make sure the person you are consulting is trauma-informed, validating, and has a solid understanding of how destructive disordered ways of thinking and behaving are. There are some great professionals and advocates out there, but there are also ones who do not get it. That’s why we need to continue to spread awareness and compassion for the victims, not their perpetrators.

When it comes to cutting ties when toxic people, it doesn’t matter if their malignant narcissism came out of trauma or if they were born that way. There are no excuses for abuse, and understanding the origins of their disorder does not change its impact on your wellbeing, nor should you use it as a reason to engage with these individuals out of obligation or guilt. As I’ve reiterated many times throughout this article, there are many trauma survivors who have gone through unfathomable horrors at the hands of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths – and they choose not to abuse.

Trauma or no trauma, do not rationalize or minimize the harm they do to you personally just because you’ve learned how their pathological behavior was birthed. It doesn’t change the fact that these are hardwired behaviors that are unlikely to change in the long-term. You can practice any compassion and empathy you have for them at a distance. Your self-care and safety always come first.

REFERENCES

Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Nelemans, S. A., Castro, B. O., Overbeek, G., & Bushman, B. J. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences,201420870. doi:10.1073/pnas.1420870112

Gunderson, J. G., & Ronningstam, E. (2001). Differentiating Narcissistic and Antisocial Personality Disorders. Journal of Personality Disorders,15(2), 103-109. doi:10.1521/pedi.15.2.103.19213

Kernberg, O. F. (1989). The Narcissistic Personality Disorder and The Differential Diagnosis of Antisocial Behavior. Psychiatric Clinics of North America,12(3), 553-570. doi:10.1016/s0193-953x(18)30414-3

Schneider, A. (2018, December 12). Don’t Get Scrooged!: 10 Tips to Deal (or Not!) with Family Drama During the Holidays. Retrieved February 19, 2019, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/savvy-shrink/2018/12/dont-get-scrooged-10-tips-to-deal-or-not-with-family-drama-during-the-holidays/

Simon, G. K. (2016). In sheep’s clothing: Understanding and dealing with manipulative people. Marion, MI: Parkhurst Brothers.

These 7 Traits Make You Vulnerable to Narcissistic Manipulation

Author Article Here

Some people find themselves in a relationship with a narcissist, claw their way out, and do their best to write-off or avoid other narcissists for the rest of their lives.

Others are simply magnets for narcissists.

They ditch one romantic relationship with a narcissist – only to find themselves in a new abusive situation just months later. Or perhaps they continue to put up with narcissistic abuse from coworkers or family members.

If the latter hits close to home, you aren’t alone.

You’ve probably asked yourself, “is there something wrong with me that makes me vulnerable to narcissistic abuse and exploitation?”

The answer is both “Yes” and “No”.

There is nothing wrong with you – far from it – but there’s a chance you have certain qualities that make you very attractive to narcissists, like moths to a flame or leeches to a host.

In fact, these are probably some of your best qualities. Abusers know this and that’s why they use narcissistic manipulation tactics to exploit you and use your good nature for their own gain.

Narcissists and Empathy

It’s a common misconception that narcissists lack empathy.

Empathy simply means having the ability to understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Empathy can absolutely exist without other characteristics like compassion – this is called cognitive empathy.

Torturers use cognitive empathy to get inside their victims’ heads and cause unspeakable pain.

Narcissists don’t lack empathy – they lack compassion, remorse, and humanity.

Using cognitive empathy, the abuser is able to seek out and target individuals with highly compassionate, loving, and caring empathetic traits. This is why the narcissist finds it so easy to exploit and manipulate your empathetic traits, found below.

7 Empathic Traits That Make You Vulnerable to Narcissistic Manipulation

Narcissists are attracted to people with specific qualities. These qualities give the abuser a foot in the door to carry out their narcissistic manipulation tactics and suck the life force from their victims.

Other people might not put up with narcissistic abuse past a very early point. But people with empathic traits are different: they have a desire to help, heal, and fix people.

They believe people deserve unconditional love – even narcissists.

With these traits, you might as well be wearing a red bullseye for narcissists! But, you don’t have to put up with it, and you CAN change how you react to narcissistic abuse. Identifying what draws narcissists to your personality is the first step.

1.     You’re Trusting and Have Integrity

Some people believe that trust must be earned upon meeting someone. After all, how can you trust someone you’ve just met?

For you, trust doesn’t have to be earned from the get-go: you naturally trust people to treat you with respect and do the right thing.

Why? Because you have integrity yourself and you’re a trustworthy person. You expect that people are worthy of your trust until they’ve broken it.

Narcissists know that you’re naturally trusting, and they use this to their advantage to carry out their narcissistic manipulation tactics against you. They know they can get away with lies on top of lies because they know you really want to trust them.

2.     You Value Equality and Treat Others with Respect

You believe that relationships are a 50/50 experience and you treat others the way you’d like to be treated.

When you first met the narcissist, they probably obliged your need for basic equality and dignity. But brick by brick, their charade started to crumble. Until one day, you find yourself apologizing because you had the nerve to let the narcissist know they hurt your feelings.

The narcissist used their cognitive empathy to get into your head and exploit your compassionate empathy.

3.     You Refuse to Give Up

To narcissists, people with compassionate empathy are like a drug. Every time they beat you down and carry out their narcissistic manipulation tactics to exploit you, they get their fragile ego fix – and no one abusing drugs wants their supply to run out.

The narcissist knows you’ll never give up (or so they think) because it’s in your nature to see things through until the end. That’s why they cling to you and won’t let go. That’s why they seemingly “love you” and abuse you at the same time.

4.     You Love Unconditionally

This is perhaps one of the most bittersweet traits that makes you a magnet for narcissists. They know that when you love someone, you love them unconditionally.

This can apply to all types of relationships including romantic partners, friends, and family members. You believe that everyone is deserving of unconditional love.

The narcissist understands this about you and fully exploits it. In between fights and abusive slurs, you may find the narcissist will briefly apologize, shower you with praise, and promise to change. This is all a façade to make you believe that they too love you unconditionally – and they use it to keep you hooked until the next outburst.

5.     You’re Honest and Compassionate

To the narcissist, honesty and compassion aren’t traits one should brag about. These traits are weaknesses that should be hidden.

Why? Because someone could exploit these vulnerable traits – and that’s exactly what narcissists do.

In the beginning, the narcissist will pretend to appreciate your honesty and compassion. However, slowly but surely, they will use these traits against you.

Did you tell the narcissist your worst fears? Things that make you sad or mad? Trauma from your past?

The narcissist will freely dig all of that up every time they need to carry out narcissistic manipulation tactics and exploit your genuine (and very valid) emotions. Narcissists don’t hate your honesty – they love to exploit it every chance they get.

6.     Your Desire to Heal Others and Fix People

You believe that if everyone had a loving environment in which to thrive, and the right opportunities, they could turn themselves around.

The narcissist knows that you have a burning desire to truly heal them, so they cling to you for dear life. They know that you’ll never turn down their fights and you’ll always react emotionally to their abuse. This is how the narcissist manipulates you for their own gain.

It’s hard, if not impossible, to fix anyone who doesn’t want to be fixed – let alone a narcissist.

No matter how many times they tell you they want and intend to change their ways, this is just a lie to give you hope that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

7.     You Have Trouble Setting Boundaries

As someone who loves unconditionally, is automatically trusting, and has a strong desire to fix people, it only makes sense that you have trouble setting boundaries.

This is perhaps one of the first traits narcissists identify when they search for a new victim because it’s one of the easiest to spot. People who are good at setting boundaries are very vocal about their boundaries upon meeting someone and narcissists can easily sniff this out.

Narcissists are drawn to empathic people who have trouble setting boundaries because they know you’ll put up with their narcissistic manipulation and abuse as long as they can dish it out.

And by the time you decide to draw any kind of boundary – it’s far too late. The narcissist will simply laugh in your face, gaslight you, and tear it down.

Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics – 5 Red Flags to Watch Out For

If you think you’re being manipulated by a narcissist, look out for these key narcissistic manipulation tactics; they’re dead giveaways:

  • Gaslighting -The narcissist rewrites your experience and says you’re remembering their behavior wrong.
  • Perpetual Victim – The narcissist is always the victim, even when you bring up an instance when they’ve harmed you.
  • Degrading Your Worth -The narcissist will never support anything you do unless it benefits them. They’ll remind you that you’re worthless and will fail at everything
  • Controlling -The narcissist will get upset if you go anywhere or do anything, even going to the grocery store, without running it by them first.
  • Deflecting – The narcissist can never do anything wrong. They will always deflect blame back to you or someone in their immediate vicinity.

What Should You Do If You’re Being Manipulated by a Narcissist?

If the points above ring true, you’re likely in a relationship with a narcissist. This abuser could come in the form of a romantic partner, mother, father, friend, or coworker.

If you’re being manipulated by a narcissist, the only way to end the abuse is to go No Contact. If you don’t cut the narcissist out for good, they will continue with their narcissistic manipulation tactics to bleed your empathy dry until you’re nothing but a shell of the person you once were.

Narcissism is a personality disorder and it’s important to understand that you cannot fix or change anyone. You can only control and change your own actions – and ultimately your own life.

Toxic relationships come with the emotional damage you don’t even realize while you’re in them. Sometimes a victim of a toxic relationship will continue the cycle of pining after other toxic people as if winning over their love and affection will heal the emotional damage others might have caused in their past. So when this […]

via Toxic Relationship vs. Health Relationship. — Perfectly Imperfect Blog

Narcissistic Ignorance and A More Productive You

Author Article

You might have observed a common feature of the new age activist to be a potent lack of charisma. Ready-made phrases half-remembered, delivered with the aimless gusto of a squirrel with vertigo. Passionate speeches presented clumsily. The best of them are sloppy regurgitations and the worst of them are unintelligible.

Lately, it seems we’re encouraged to supplant acknowledgment of our shortcomings with distractions and oversimplifications. Freedom of expression has been redefined as a celebration of ignorance – one that is governed by an enmity toward expertise. Working in tandem with this is the societal effect of the degradation of language Orwell warned us about more than 70 years ago.


A vulgar misunderstanding of terms like “democracy” has curbed forward thought and dispelled the notion of appraising opinions. The youthful impulse to hold mavens to the fire isn’t itself a problem. A problem only arises when the impulse ceases to be attended by research and self-awareness. Being informed is a long painful, humbling process.

Authority is not a virtue earned lightly.

“Unskilled and unaware”

I recently wrote about the pluralistic ignorance of imposter syndrome-the idea that everyone feels alone in their self-doubt. This collective lack of confidence is certainly a hindrance to a productive labor system but the other end of the cognitive spectrum is just as detrimental. This other end was officially classified in response to the comical misfortune of a man named Mcarthur Wheeler.

In 1995, Wheeler robbed two banks in Pittsburgh- in broad daylight. As he exited the banks (both of them) he made a point to smile at surveillance cameras-without a mask. He did, however, have a coat of lemon juice on his face. When authorities caught him they showed him the security footage. Wheeler’s reaction was one of utter bemusement.

Given that lemon juice is sometimes used as an ingredient when creating invisible ink it stands to “reason” that bathing one’s face in the stuff would effectively conceal it from cameras. Wheeler wasn’t under the influence of any substances nor was he clinically insane.

This profound error of judgment alerted the interest of psychologists David Dunning and Justin Kruger. The two soon after conducted studies to explore the Illusion of superiority instanced by Wheeler- inspiring the label: The Dunning Kruger effect.

The Dunning Kruger effect refers to the unearned sense of mastery expressed by those of low ability; a misunderstanding of aptitude energized by a lack of base level knowledge.

Dunning and Kruger began inspecting the condition with a pool of undergraduate students. After presenting them with a series of cognitive tasks they would ask the students how well they thought they did. Those that scored the lowest consistently overestimated how well they did by a significant margin.

The effect doesn’t just apply to academia. Similar experiments conducted at a gun range birthed the same results. Another study asked software engineers at two companies to evaluate their performance. 32% of the employees at one company and 42% of employees at the other company rated themselves in the top 5%.

It’s not merely a matter of overconfidence. It’s a blind defiance of logic. The more incompetent you are, the more vulnerable you are to mistakes of self-perception.

“A Google-fueled, Wikipedia-based, blog-sodden collapse of any division between professionals and laymen, students and teachers, knowers and wonderers – in other words, between those of any achievement in an area and those with none at all.”

Tom Nichols detailed a potential cause pretty powerfully in his book back in 2017. The Death Of Expertise describes the mass rejection of science and rationality. Nichols correctly suggests that the right we all have to speech has blunted our ability to properly assess its value. In some instances, some people’s import is worth more than others. That’s an important and obvious distinction to make.

“Doctors, whatever their errors, seem to do better with most illnesses than faith healers or your Aunt Ginny and her special chicken gut poultice. To reject the notion of expertise, and to replace it with a sanctimonious insistence that every person has a right to his or her own opinion, is silly.” Charitable.

Our rabid antipathy toward experts partly owes itself to our collective masochism-particularly when it comes to progress.  We have a long way to go in the fields of science and epistemology. I understand the tendency to focus on the “lack ofs” that is bred out of frustration, but we’ve made some considerable strides. That’s undeniable. It is objectively lucky to born in the year 2019.

Every plane that doesn’t crash, every person that doesn’t die from this or from that is a testament to our trajectory and a plea to adhere to the counsel of those that have put in the work and time in their respective fields.

A hesitance to request honest feedback, and a commitment to the idea that pundits don’t exist, is heartening drab dialogue. On a selfish level, narcissistic ignorance has made many of us incredibly boring and unproductive. You can’t concurrently harbor a fear of failure and a passion for enlightenment. Just like you can’t have a proper shave without a mirror.

Metacognition

In closing, I’d like to share some thoughts on thoughts; i.e. the only thing keeping me from being a horrible writer is the awareness that I’m, at best, a pretty bad one.

The process of evaluating the extent of what you do and do not know falls under the umbrella of a term coined by a developmental psychologist named John Flavell, in 1976: metacognition, “thinking about thinking.”

It’s the cycle of scrutiny and surveillance that equips us with instruments of self-improvement. The idea that because information is so readily available expertise is just a free afternoon away is both quixotic and cynical. Reading a Wikipedia article about existentialism with the expectation of becoming erudite is like eating an apple without a stomach and expecting the nutrients.

Like Nichols states, intuitive knowledge is more complicated than memory retention. Lived experiences matter.

Skepticism isn’t itself the issue. In fact, true progress requires a healthy dose of it. Not on its own though. Pyrrhonism is a highly reactive property. Coupling it with deliberation, and a clear understanding of individual strengths and weaknesses, promotes it considerably.

We have much more to learn from the failure of experts than we do from the critique of fools.

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