Narcissist’s Mixed Messages

Psych Central Article Here

The irony is that narcissists are consistently inconsistent.

If you are in love with someone who sends you constant mixed messages, it can be emotionally damaging to you personally, even causing you to lose your sense of self.  The constant sending of mixed messages causes you to lose trust with your own reality and intuition. You start walking on eggshells because you want to prevent the constant shifts from occurring, not completely realizing the power is 100 percent outside of yourself.

Other terms for this type of experience are “ambivalence,” “gas lighting,” and “mind f%$#ery.”

Mixed messages can come in the following forms:

  • False promises or statements; examples would be telling you they’ll take you somewhere or buy you something in the future, and then it never happens.
  • Doing something mean to you and then acting as if it didn’t just happen and if you try to bring it up, they’ll say something like, “Quit living in the past,” or, “Why are you always so negative?”
  • Taking you out on a fabulous date Friday night and then giving you the silent treatment on Saturday.
  • Promising you your heart’s desires and then withdrawing the promisesblaming you for the change, making statements such as, “You shouldn’t have done ‘such and such,’” or, “I didn’t realize you were so…” or, “You should have thought of that before you did ‘x, y, or z.’”
  • Lying. Emotional abusers seem to be chronic liars. If you try to hold them accountable, they simply deny saying whatever it was you know you heard them say.
  • Using the “Bait and Switch” approach. They act like one person and then become another. You keep wondering, “Where did he/she go?  I know he/she’s in there somewhere.”
  • They don’t “walk the talk.” You hear a lot of words coming out of the abuser’s mouth, but you don’t see any concrete results. It’s always easy to talk about anything; much harder to actually do something meaningful. Narcissists are master false promisers.
  • Having double standards. Here’s a perfect example. A narcissist will lecture you about how you’re dressed – even though you look terrific and are in great shape – while he/she’s 50 pounds overweight and does nothing to take care of his/her appearance.

 

The truth is, emotional abuse is very destructive.  It is particularly destructive because it “falls under the radar.” Others don’t see it, or get it, and oftentimes, neither does the victim. If you are subjected to emotional abuse in the form of mixed messages you most likely don’t even realize you are being abused.

If you are the victim of this experience, then you will experience the following symptoms:

  • Confusion. You will find yourself continually wondering – What happened? Where is he/she? What went wrong? What did I do? How can I fix this? And you look to the abuser for the answers. Yes, he/she will give you answers, but only ones that hurt and confuse you further.
  • Extrinsic Focus. You spend countless hours focusing on the other person – his/her thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. In the process, you aren’t checking in on your own internal voice, feelings, and intuition. You begin measuring your life based on the other person’s actions. Since the other person has a fragmented personality you will never find the stability you need by focusing in that direction.
  • Loss of Self. Because the other person never validates your reality, you stop validating it yourself. You begin to doubt your own experience, and finally lose your sense of reality altogether.

What do you do about it?

If you are subject to this type of problem then you need to do something to rescue yourself. First and foremost is to stop listening to the other person and start listening to your own inner voice. It is important for you to learn how to change the communication patterns you have been conditioned to.

Over time, while in a relationship with an emotional abuser, you have fallen in to a way of relating that is not healthy. In order to survive you have been taught and have taught yourself to turn off your own voice, listening only to the voice of the other person. Make your voice the compass, not the other person’s.

As you start listening to yourself instead of the other person, you will most likely face resistance from him/her. Don’t let this trouble you. Realize this – you haven’t been able to please this person anyway so you might as well stop trying. This is step three – stop walking on eggshells. Simply walk. Just be yourself. Say what you want to say and do what you want to do. As the other person loses control over you, he/she will be angry. He/she will “up the ante” and start doing retaliatory behaviors.  After all, you have dared to rebel!

Once you listen to yourself instead of the other person and stop walking on eggshells, realize you have declared war. I know it seems ridiculous that these two simple acts are hostile – because they really aren’t – but the narcissist will feel and believe that these acts are hostile on your behalf. He/she will panic because of his/her loss of control over you. This is detrimental to his/her side of the relationship.

In order to survive this war declaration, you must be at a place where you are no longer dependent on the other person for anything – emotional, financial, or physical. The narcissist will retaliate by taking away anything that you value, especially him/herself. As he/she loses grips on you, he/she will frantically search for a new victim. You will probably experience the silent treatment and “ghosting,” followed by a discard. You will be discarded. Mark my words. The narcissist sees no other alternative.

Yes, it is crazy. Yes, it makes no common sense to the average person who simply wants a loving relationship that is mutually satisfying. Afterall, you have no need to control other people in order to survive. But the best thing you can do for your recovery from this insanity is to rescue yourself. Take care of yourself. Walk away. This is the last step.

Walking away is hard, but what else can you do? Do you want to spend the rest of your life subjected to warfare just because you want to express your autonomy?  Is there any value in any relationship where you can’t be who you are?

Even if you don’t physically walk away from the relationship entirely; say you are married to this person or it is a parent and you are still tied to the person structurally, then you are still stuck with a discard situation. Don’t lie to yourself.  In this case, you will have to mentally detach from the relationship if you want to be yourself. You will have to live a life without having any needs met by the other person because he/she is incapable of meeting them. especially on your terms.

 

To receive my free newsletter on the psychology of abuse, please contact me at: http://www.drshariestines.com.

11 Creepy Habits Untrustworthy People Have In Common

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While it’s not always easy to tell if someone is untrustworthy, paying attention to their body language — as well as their overall vibe — can be a great place to start. This goes for strangers on the street, neighbors, and even the people you date. If something seems “off” about them, you should trust your gut, and reconsider interacting with them.

This is especially true if the person is being manipulative, or if they strike you as dangerous in any way. In those cases, it’s always a good idea to reach out for help, and to try to remove yourself from the situation as quickly and safely as possible. It’s not always possible to do so, but being aware of the signs is key.

“If you have the sense that you need to get away from someone or end a relationship, try not to backpedal on it,” licensed psychologist Nicole Issa, PsyD, tells Bustle. Follow your instincts, and reach out to a friend or authority figure for help.

Unfortunately, there are all sorts of manipulative people in the world, and not everyone has other’s best interests at heart. Of course, you don’t need to feel paranoid, but “it’s important to keep your guard up and stay present and observant in situations with new people,” Amica Graber, a relationship expert for the background checking site TruthFinder, tells Bustle.

Even though it’s not always easy to spot a manipulator, paying attention to the signs someone is untrustworthy, such as the ones listed below, can help keep you safe.

They Ignore Your Boundaries

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If someone is ignoring your boundaries, consider it a big red flag. “Some examples include standing too close to you (and following if you step further away), refusing to take no for an answer, or even ‘innocent’ activities like tickling you when you’ve asked [them] to stop,” Graber says.

While some folks just don’t know how to take a hint, dangerous people might do these things as a way of testing you, Graber says. So if you tell them to stop and they don’t, that may be your cue to leave if you are able to.

They Don’t Break Eye Contact

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When it comes to manipulative people — see: sociopaths, narcissists, etc. — many have a habit of staring intensely at others, and making creepy amounts of eye contact.

“They look at their target with [a] focused, intense gaze,” body language expert Patti Wood, MA, tells Bustle, usually as a way to test boundaries. “They may do or say something uncomfortable right before or after the hypnotic gaze to test how the target responds.”

To figure out if the situation really is unsafe, Wood says you should break eye contact or move away, and see how they react. If they get upset, or you feel a huge amount of relief, your intuition was likely correct.

They Dominate The Conversation

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While some people just like to tell stories, manipulators will try to dominate entire conversations. “This ‘over talking’ involves auditory space invasion and other paralanguage factors that show they are in control,” Wood says. “They are often quite charming and good storytellers, so it may be hypnotic to listen to them.” But if you don’t feel included, or can’t get a word in, they are likely someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Their Mood Changes Quickly

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Since narcissists tend to get really upset when things don’t go their way, keep your eye out forshocking mood swings when interacting with others. As Wood says, “They can shift all their nonverbal behaviors in the blink of an eye and transform themselves.”

This might include switching from really sweet, to super irritated a second later. Or they might morph into an entirely different “character” in order to get their way, Wood says. It can be so manipulative, you might not even realize it’s happening until the person’s already sucked you in.

But the moment you do, don’t be afraid to reach out for help, or to leave the situation as soon as you can.

They Seem Disconnected

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While intense eye contact can be a red flag, the same is true for eye contact that seems oddly disconnected. And this is doubly true if you’d describe them as being “dead behind the eyes,” Wood says, as this is a trait common among narcissists and sociopaths.

They Open Up Too Quickly

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If you only just met someone and they’re already revealing all the skeletons in their closet, there’s a chance they’re not trustworthy or stable, psychotherapist Laura Dabney, MD, tells Bustle. This shows a total lack of boundaries, and can easily get out of control.

They Make Rude Remarks

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“Potentially dangerous people will often turn to belittling others in order to manipulate them,” licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach Adamaris Mendoza, LPC, MA, tells Bustle. So if this person is making you, or those around you, feel uncomfortable, take note.

“How they do it can take different forms but their intention is to make the other person (their intended victim) feel unworthy,” Mendoza says. “They can turn to ridiculing how you look, your body, your goals, your friends, your work, and/or your dreams.”

Since it’s so manipulative, it can be difficult to spot. But by keeping an eye out for the signs, and knowing some of the tricks untrustworthy people pull, you can be safer.

They Lack Empathy

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If you get the feeling this person doesn’t have any empathy, think twice before interacting with them. “Sociopaths and psychopaths are defined by their lack of empathy,” Graber says. “Does someone laugh at other’s misfortune or seem oblivious to the suffering of others? They may not be a fully fledged psychopath, but a lack of empathy is a huge red flag.”

They Move Really Fast

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If you only just met someone, and yet the relationship seems to be developing at warp speed, Dr. Issa says it could be a sign this person is manipulative.

“Often times, people who are likely to harm others will sweep in quickly and forcefully and try to foster a sense of false trust,” Dr. Issa says. If it all seems too fast, or too good to be true, you may want to take a step back.

10 They Know Too Much

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Let’s say you show up on a date, and the other person already knows where you work, where you went to school, etc. “Many people will frequently [research] a new love interest,” Dr. Issa says. “But if someone starts telling you about information that likely showed up on, say, page five of your [search] results, this could be a sign that the [it] went beyond the norm and crossed over into stalking.”

If what they’re saying is making you uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to reach out to authorities. You can also go up to a bartender or server, if you’re out to dinner, and ask them for help.

11 They Tell You How To Feel

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Whether they’re telling you to calm down, claiming a situation isn’t scary, or insisting everything’s OK — even when it doesn’t feel OK — listen to your gut.

“If someone is telling you that they know that ‘deep down’ they know you really want X, Y, or Z, or that they can tell you really need someone to help you relax or let go of control, this is basically a burning red flag, especially if they say this as a way to disregard a boundary or limit you previously set with them,” Dr. Issa says.

It can be super difficult to spot a manipulative and untrustworthy person, since they know exactly what to say and do in order to reel you in. But if you’re in a situation that feels unsafe — or if they’re exhibiting any of these characteristics — trust your gut, reach out for help, and try to get away as soon as you can.