What Goes On Inside The Mind Of A Narcissist?

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Narcissists can be found in every walk of life. Every family, every workplace, and every community has their share of selfish individuals who use others for their own gain.

They can be charming, yet behind the façade lies a damaged, dangerous personality.

A narcissist’s behavior leaves others baffled; how could another human being act so badly? How could someone treat those around them with such contempt?

Understanding how a narcissist’s mind works can help you understand their actions. At first, they seem inscrutable. However, beneath the surface, they are quite predictable.

In fact, a typical narcissist is rather boring. They resort to the same behaviors again and again. Their lives and relationships follow a pattern.

Here’s what you need to know:

1. They are cunning, manipulative, and well-practiced in the art of earning people’s trust
A narcissist knows exactly how to appear extroverted, attractive, and caring. They are masterful actors who make you feel important and desirable.

At first, they are playful, exciting, and encouraging. It’s easy to fall in love with a narcissist. They are extremely seductive, and they will shower you with gifts and romantic gestures.

Unfortunately, once they have you under their spell, they will turn on you. The abuse and objectification starts, and never stops until you leave or they abandon you.

They know that you’d run far and fast if they revealed their true colors up front, which is why they put so much effort into impressing you.

However, because they have convinced you to trust them, you’re reluctant to leave. Instead, you stay, assuming that you must be the crazy one.

You come to believe that you, not them, are in the wrong.

2. They are happy to deceive and insult you
Narcissists have a strange relationship with the truth. They frequently lie, distorting their version of events to suit their emotional needs. At the same time, it’s important to note that, to them, their lies are true.

For instance, if they claim you have mistreated them, they sincerely believe you are the guilty party. They will tell everyone that you are the “bad” or “mad” one in the relationship.

They have no qualms with putting you down. Their insults are designed to erode your self-esteem. In time, you start to believe that the unkind things they say about you are true.

You become dependent on their approval, and leaving is an unthinkable prospect. They hide their true selves from others, and it’s hard to convince anyone that, in private, they are a monster.

3. If you question them, they get mad or just ignore the truth
When it becomes apparent you’re dealing with someone who isn’t in contact with reality, your first response might be to challenge them.

This won’t get you anywhere, because a narcissist will tell you that you can’t trust your own perceptions. In their minds, they always know best.

Don’t waste your time trying to reason with them, particularly if they become abusive when under stress.

4. Behind the confident veneer lies a sense of insecurity
Narcissists gain a fleeting sense of satisfaction from manipulating people, but they are not truly happy. Think about it; happy people don’t need to tear others down to bolster their egos.

They are jealous, weak individuals who know all too well that their capacity for healthy human interaction is limited.

They aren’t able to put it into words, but they know, deep down, that something is seriously wrong with their behavior.

Secretly, a narcissist knows that they are cut off from the everyday joys of relationships. This is a lonely place to be. When they see happy couples and families, they feel empty.

The tragedy is that they lack the self-awareness necessary for personal growth.

They fall into terrible habits – feeding off the energy of others instead of looking inward – and this becomes a lifelong pattern.

You have more freedom than you think
The good news is that you have the power to leave a narcissist. Once you understand their tactics, you can step back and make the right choice.

You can see how they’ve worked their black magic, leaving you vulnerable to their abuse. You realize that it doesn’t matter how or why they became so toxic.

It’s not your problem to fix. Your priority is your health.

There’s no sugarcoating it – recovering from narcissistic abuse takes time. But you can learn to trust yourself again.

Even better, once you’ve dealt with a narcissist, you’ll be adept at dodging them in the future. The moment you suspect someone is trying to manipulate you, you’ll run away – and never look back.

6 Tips to Let Go of a Toxic Relationship and Heal Yourself

Author Article

If falling in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, then letting go of it is the most horrible feeling in the world — even when you know full and well it’s a toxic relationship.

Deciding that it’s time to bite the bullet and figure out how to break up with someone you love because your relationship isn’t healthy doesn’t make the act of letting go any easier.

There is nothing worse than the physical pain of losing a love — even a toxic one. The pit in your stomach, the broken heart, and the feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Signs It’s Time to Let Go…Even if You’re Still in Love

Learning how to let go of someone you love once you realize their presence in your life is truly toxic requires careful thought and commitment.

So if you’re ready to take the plunge, here are 6 ways for how to break up with someone you love when you’re in a toxic relationship that will help you learn how to let go and move on.

1. Ask Yourself If You Are Ready to Really Do This.

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Before you begin any life-changing process, you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10, how close to a 10 are you? Without steadfast determination, you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love.

So, are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren’t strong enough to do this yet?

If the answer to any of these questions is a “yes”, then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer and with some time you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.

Either way, ask yourself some tough questions about this relationship and make a conscious decision to stay or go. Doing so, making a purposeful move, will help you start respecting and loving yourself again which is a key part of letting go toxic love.

2. Block Him Everywhere.

We all think that we need “closure” at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

But closure is a myth. Closure is actually one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. If you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn’t you make it work as a couple?

So, when you’ve decided that the relationship is over, cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, and stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.

So, go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

As a side benefit, not spending your time and energy stalking him on Facebook but doing something that makes you feel good is exactly what you need to do to start loving yourself again.

3. Define What You Need to Let Go Of.

This is very important. What is it that you need to let go of to move on?

You may be ready to let go of a man that you know isn’t the one for you, but you still struggle with your decision because of the love you feel.

What you should do is to look at it like an onion —​ feelings are layers that must be removed to get to the core. What was the top layer?

The first layer might be anger. Perhaps anger at your man and how he treated you. Or maybe anger with yourself for wasting time on him. You have to deal with your issues and let them go, separating them out one by one.

By examining each layer of the onion, you’ll be able to peel back and discard one layer of emotion at a time which leaves you with the one piece that you want to hold on to; one that won’t hold you back from moving on. It’s the final piece you can carry in your heart going forward.

4. Question What Is True and What Is Not.

This is such an important piece of letting go.

You have ideas in your head about truths in your relationships but, unfortunately, often these truths are not so true — they are just hopes and dreams you’ve made up over the course of the relationship.

Are your hopes and dreams of a life that you want with your boyfriend that have absolutely no basis in reality? For example, are you hoping he’ll want to move to the woods, raise sheep, have kids, and grow old together? You might have this idea firmly stuck in your head that this is what you want, and believe that if your boyfriend loved you enough, he would embrace that dream, too.

What you don’t realize is that although this dream of yours is wonderful, there’s possibly no way you’re going to have it with your boyfriend. Maybe he loves the city, hates livestock, and doesn’t want kids for at least another decade.

Consider the things you know to be true, which is what he doesn’t want, and stack them up next to what you do want: your hopes and dreams. When you do, you’ll finally see the truth of the situation is different from what you’ve been telling yourself in your head.

Armed with that knowledge, you are one step closer to letting him go.

Solving the Toughest Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up

5. Figure Out What You Really Want in a Relationship.

The final part of letting go is getting to know what exactly it is that you want from someone in a relationship. Without knowing what you want you are going to have a hard time getting it.

So, make a list. Make a list of what you want from a man in a relationship with you. It doesn’t have to be long, but make it comprehensive.

Perhaps it can be something like: “Someone who makes me laugh, who knows who he is and what he wants, who loves my kids and who wants to make me a priority in his life.”

So, make your list and run through it with your current guy in mind. Chances are, if you are reading this article, he won’t match up with many of the things on that list and you will finally understand because you will see it there clearly, in black and white.

And your emotions just can’t argue with black and white. He is not what you want. Time to move on.

Right now, take a moment and picture the guy who has all the traits that you want in a man, sitting right next to you. How good would that feel, to be loved by someone who was the right person for you? And what a great way to get back to loving yourself.

Letting go of something that once seemed so promising is very difficult and will take some steadfast determination on your part but you can do it. Learning how to let go of toxic love can seem difficult but if you can master it your life will only get better.

So, cut off contact, peel back the onion, question your assumptions, and define what you want. Before you know it, you will have clarity that you are making the right decision and will be able to let go.

6. Get Yourself Back Out There.

Right now, you probably feel like you might never love again, but putting yourself back out there doesn’t mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get to dress up, flirt, date, and have a lot of fun.

And maybe, just maybe, you will find another love. But in the meantime, you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single girl. Embrace it!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Let Go Of A Toxic Love (So You Can Heal & Move On).

“But I can change.” A phrase so often said by some of our kind. You will, more likely than not, have heard this sentence at some point during your entanglement with us. 2,595 more words

via Does The Narcissist Really Want To Change? — Knowing the Narcissist

The Perfect Ten Sentences of Seduction What is really meant when we say these words. 1. I love you and I always have My need to seduce you is considerable and therefore I will use language which will appeal to you and be so outlandish that it will blow you away. I do not…

via Ten Seductive Sentences Used By The Narcissist — Knowing the Narcissist

Who The Hell Am I & Why Bother Reading My Posts?

HEYLO… call me Mina, or Amelia. Here is a picture of a baby alpaca I just got, that is made from REAL F’N BABY ALPACA FUR! (Her name is Bettie Page).

Anyways, I currently am living in Portland, Oregon with my boyfriend & my dog. PROUD DOG MOM ALL DAY. (his name happens to be Fox). 



*this is called a sploot, if you didn’t know. –>

I work on a vineyard as a “Tasting Room Associate.” The irony in this is that we moved all the way to Oregon because I was accepted into a doctorate program with a focus on substance abuse. SoOoOo… a 180 in the whole career thing.

I’m from the East Coast ~ New York & Massachusetts, but Cape Cod is where I grew up. I lived in New Orleans for 5 years for undergrad have a degree in Psychology.

 

I am no pro but I have seen some shit. I have a list of different psychological diagnoses & feel like the poster child for Big Pharma at times. I decided to start a blog after a failed suicide attempt that I swore I’d keep a secret… it is cathartic, but heavy. Really heavy. I never sleep, don’t leave my house without my xanax, and try to avoid small talk like the plague. Buttttt we’re all just getting by & that’s what this is all about. 

I grew up in and around addiction, and have struggled and continue to struggle with an addictive AF personality. I used to hate the saying “one day at a time,” I don’t anymore. I haven’t struggled with any significant substance .issues since 2011, but it’s always there.

Most of the relationships that I stay in turned out to be toxic, with the exception of my boyfriend now. He is the fkn best, and never judges or manipulates. I don’t deserve him.

I am a firm believer of using Cannabis …..for anything, really. So there’s that.

….I don’t really have an answer about why you should read stuff that I share. Maybe because I just want to spread the word about living honestly in the lens of mental illness but still making it through, and make 0 bucks typing these words. Zilch. That’s not the point.

I’ll share more later! It got weird talking about myself so much.

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*Me as a child. Yes, I’m serious. I also had to wear headgear at night around this time.
& yes, that’s pleather.

The Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing: How To Spot A Covert Narcissist And The One Thing That Always Gives Them Away

See ThoughtCatalog Article Here
By Shahida Arabi

The term “wolf in sheep’s clothing” has biblical origins and is used to describe someone who pretends to be outwardly innocent and harmless. However, within, they are predatory “wolves,” ready to devour their prey. Who they present themselves to be is far different from who they truly are. Many wolves in sheep’s clothing disguise themselves as upstanding citizens and pillars of their community, all while they commit heinous crimes behind closed doors.

I’ve come across many convincing predators in my lifetime, but perhaps none are more skilled and dangerous than the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. This term’s origins goes as far back as the bible: “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves” (Matthew 7:15). It is used to describe those who appear to be harmless but are actually sneaky, conniving saboteurs looking to fulfill their own selfish agenda at the expense of everyone else’s rights.

This term is quite fitting for the toxic manipulators, covert narcissists or sociopaths who dress themselves as innocent, charitable people while committing unspeakable acts of violence behind closed doors. These predators can come across as agreeable, kind, successful, giving, even shy, insecure and introverted; they can also have a deeply seductive charisma that draws people into their toxicity. Yet their glowing public image is no match for their nefarious private deeds. These wolves lurk anywhere and everywhere, waiting to ensnare their victims into their twisted web.

Another word for the wolf in sheep’s clothing is “the covert aggressor.” Dr. George Simon, the author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People, notes:

“If you’re dealing with a person who rarely gives you a straight answer to a straight question, is always making excuses for doing hurtful things, tries to make you feel guilty, or uses any of the other tactics to throw you on the defensive and get their way, you can assume you’re dealing with a person who — no matter what else he may be — is covertly aggressive.”

There is no limit to where these covert manipulators and aggressors can be found. They may be drawn to careers that distinguish them as givers rather than takers, but ultimately, their own self-interest takes precedent over the welfare of any of the people they purport to help.

They could be the head therapist of a counseling center; they may be the pastors at your church, the leaders of altruistic companies, passionate advocates of the local charity. They could be the seemingly benevolent social worker, the compassionate teacher, the seemingly selfless counselor.

According to Dr. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, covert manipulators rely on our empathic nature to get us to fall for them. They prey on our sympathy and our compassion, our willingness to give toxic people the benefit of the doubt. That is why wolves in sheep’s clothing get away with their behavior, time and time again.

Yet there is one thing that can distinguish them early on.

Aside from their use of pity to make you feel sorry for them and their inability to correct their toxic behavior or own up to it, there is one thing I’ve noticed that consistently exposes wolves in sheep’s clothing and differentiates them from those who are genuine. This can help distinguish them even in the early onset of any sort of relationship or interaction with them.

Contempt. 

Initially when a wolf in sheep’s clothing tries to “groom” you into making you their victim, they may act humble, generous, soft-spoken. They are heavy-handed with their compliments, their praise and their laser-focused attention (also known as love-bombing). They are seemingly empathic. Yet their true self is always eventually revealed once you get closer to them and actually realize they lack the emotional equipment to follow through with their promises or perceived character.

If you observe a manipulator closely, they always display micro-signals of contempt when they are speaking. No matter how hard they try to disguise these beneath their façade, their disgust for the human race and the silly “morals” of lesser mortals seeps through every pore of their skin, every shift in their tone, every twitch in their gestures. It seeps through their proposed principles and exposes their real feelings. It finds its way into their rhetoric and the ways in which they talk about the world, the way they speak about others, and eventually, the ways in which they’ll come to speak about you.

Whenever you’re in the presence of a ravenous wolf, you will at some point notice a look of disdain, or a haughty tone of voice when they talk about people they consider “beneath” them. It’s the air of perceived superiority that distinguishes them – and they can’t keep the mask on for long, either.

They may suddenly speak rudely about a friend who they once praised (who you later find out they are envious of); they may abruptly devolve into a scathing manifesto about the waiter who ‘failed’ to give them the right order; they may suddenly start to attack an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend who left them with a shocking hostility that seems altogether out of place with their sweet nature.

You may witness them giving the cold shoulder or cruel, undeserving reprimands to the people who have been nothing but kind and loyal to them. And undoubtedly, you will be placed next in their queue of unsuspecting victims.

When the person who once soothed you with sweet nothings, grand gestures and loving support morphs into a person who is speaking with excessive hatred or disdain for people they don’t know, or people who they do know all too well, watch out. You’re probably in the presence of someone who will one day look down upon you, too.

Contempt is also prominent throughout the abuse cycle with a covert wolf. In the devaluation phase of any relationship with a narcissist, this type of perpetrator who once made you feel like you were the only one in the room – suddenly swoops you off the pedestal and makes you beg for their approval.

They do this by dishing out intense contempt and dislike targeted towards you periodically throughout the relationship.

Where once they couldn’t get enough of your personality, your talents, your attention, now they act as if everything you do makes you beneath them. They once celebrated your achievements; now they act as if you are a burden.

They pin the blame on you for things that were their fault. When you speak out or protest their unfair behavior, they make you out to be the “troublemaker” when you are actually just the truth-teller. They blindside you by making you the scapegoat, the black sheep they must persecute and devalue so no one realizes it is they who are the wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Wolves are out for blood, for live prey, and malignant narcissists are no different. They will treat you appallingly once they’ve gotten you hooked on their praise and presence.

They will treat you are like you are nothing to them, even though they initially pretended you were everything.

To wean yourself off from any sense of self-blame you may be feeling, remember that the way a predatory individual idealized you and any other victim is temporary – it is used as bait.

Once wolves have trapped their prey, they have no mercy in devouring you. This is just their nature and it has nothing to do with what you might have done or who you are. It becomes clear that you were not the woman or man of their dreams as they claimed you were: you were just used as sustenance.

To detach from a wolf? You must develop a sense of “contempt” or disgust for their wrongdoings and the holes in their dubious character. Replace your once idealized fantasy of who they were with the truth, and you will find yourself less likely to fall prey to their schemes.

Once a wolf, always a wolf – but you don’t have to remain their sheep.