If You’re Having Suicidal Thoughts, Please Read This

See ThoughtCatalog Article Here
By Nikki Zarrella

I’ve now known, and I mean genuinely knew in person, spoke with, or was friends with, four people who have committed suicide. Attending those funerals, seeing all of the people who truly loved and cared for that person… How could they leave all of these people behind? I thought to myself. Even though, deep down, I knew how. Because I’ve been on both ends of this. I know how you can contemplate it, I know how the thought can cross your mind when you feel like you’ve been pushed so far, you’ve been hurt so much, suffered for so long. I have mourned for those individuals who have committed suicide, but I have also had dark moments when those thoughts have seeped into my mind too.

But why? Many people may wonder. Why would the thought of taking your own life ever cross your mind? Well, there are a million reasons why. And it could include anything from life trauma, to chemical imbalances in the brain, to overpowering stress, anxiety, or depression, or just trying to live in a world where you constantly feel like you don’t belong or like you’re always being knocked down. Or sometimes. We just don’t know why we feel the way we do, and we may never know.

In this life, people can be viciously cruel and extremely selfish. Even sometimes the people we love most can hurt us more than anything, or can let us down over and over again. People will hurt others without thinking about the repercussions of their actions, or even stopping to reflect on how they may have impacted another person in a negative, toxic way. Or sometimes, the pain is not caused by anyone else at all. Sometimes, we just feel alone. Like no one could ever possibly imagine or understand what’s going on inside our heads because we don’t even understand it. We feel crazy, dissociated from the world like a lost soul wandering deserted streets.

Suicide does not discriminate. Look at some of the most famous role models, the individuals who were idolized by millions of people, but it still wasn’t enough to keep them here. It wasn’t enough to fight off the demons or suppress the harmful thoughts. Kurt CobainChris CornellChester Bennington…the list goes on. I recently went to a Disturbed concert where lead singer David Draiman took the time to talk to us about suicide awareness and the “demons all of us are fighting,” each and every day. He told us that we must all be advocates not only for ourselves, but for those who are struggling mentally.

“Intervene. Be an advocate. Don’t wait until you’re at their funerals standing in front of their casket”

David urged. Friends, family, whomever that person is who is coming to you, reaching out to you at their darkest hour, be an advocate for them. Help them. In any way you possibly can. Suicide is never ever the answer, it is not a solution, eliminate it as an option. It is something that is permanent. There is no going back, no rewinding time. It is something that inflicts pain upon those who love you…even if you don’t always feel their love, it’s there. I promise. And you leaving this world will only hurt them, more than a thousand knives through the heart, more than you could ever imagine. You would leave a void in their lives that could never be filled. You will be gone, and you will be leaving them behind to hurt, to mourn, and to try and live an impossibly normal life afterwards.

The world we live in right now is all kinds of messed up. Men are taught to be strong, women are often seen as fragile, but everyone has demons, burdens to carry, weight on their shoulders. Everyone feels pain. We just all handle those demons and burdens in different ways. Distorted self-image, body shaming, bullying, traumatic events, the internal and external scars many of us carry with us…it is not an easy time to be navigating through this crazy world. But no matter what, you always have to remember that you are not alone. You have the power to change your life for the better. Regardless of how shitty other people can be or how heavy that weight on your shoulders may feel at times, the power is within you and the choices you make to change things, get the help you need and deserve, and to make a life for yourself.

It won’t be easy, and there will be days when it’s overwhelmingly difficult. There will be days much darker than others, but that means there will be brighter days too. I still have days where I feel like I’m drowning. Like every time I come up for air it is only to be knocked down again by a crashing wave. But in that darkness, in that web of anxiety, fear, and pain I often find myself tangled in, I remind myself of the people who love me. I remind myself of the years I have not yet lived. The places I want to travel to. The parts of the world I have not seen. My future filled with mystery, excitement, hopes, and dreams. The endless possibilities of where I could go, who I could meet, who I could become, what I could accomplish.

Life is a long and winding road, but you must stay strong. Don’t ever give up on yourself. There are millions of people out there who are struggling, who fight every single day to put on a brave face, even when deep down inside they feel broken, like they’re falling apart and are unable to keep picking up the pieces. But they keep on fighting because it’s worth it. Life is worth it. It will bring joyous moments, unforgettable memories…often at times when you least expect it. It is worth it to be here for the people you love, and who love you more than you know. You just need to hold on for the ride and stick around to witness all that will come, all that’s in store for you.

But in the meantime, go to therapy – any kind, don’t stop looking until you find one that works for you. There are endless amounts of options out there today. There are so many ways to find guidance, support, and someone who will truly listen and want to help you. Talk about your feelings, find a support group, look into appropriate medicines if you need to, confide in friends and family, begin a healthy hobby, adopt a pet, join a club, listen to music that soothes your soul, start traveling the world, focus on yourself. Do whatever it takes. Just don’t leave this earth. Do not shatter someone else’s world by leaving your own behind. Someone out there needs you, someone out there loves you. Live your life and stay alive to see your future come to fruition. And remember, there’s always a reason to keep on fighting for your life. Just don’t ever give up on yourself. Keep fighting. Keep staying strong. And keep living.

04 Snowboarding & Suicide Series: Emotions After A Failed Suicide Attempt

“I didn’t want to kill myself. I wanted to make it all stop and go away. I wanted to be calm”

Trying to kill yourself & failing due to chance doesn’t leave the best taste in your mouth, to put it lightly. Your mind is one big shitstorm and you have no safe haven.

I was not happy.
I was not grateful.
I did not regret what I did.
I did not really give a shit.

I was …sort of pissed. Resentful may be a better word, and not at my boyfriend for walking in, just at the whole situation. I still did not feel any type of fear or just like whatthefuckdidijustdo emotion, and while I had no regrets other than:

1. Not leaving any information on why I killed myself. No one really knew how depressed I was, or that I even was depressed. I have a lot of people I love that deserve to know how much I loved them and how sorry I was for causing them pain.
2. Not waiting until my boyfriend was asleep to do it.

While I didn’t ACTUALLY feel any sort of desire to help myself and try to get it together, the rational side of me knew that unless I sought out some resource outside of my immediate surroundings.

I had promised myself I was not going to involve my family because I did not want to stress them out if they did not have to be – but I knew that my lack of fucks to give about almost dying was not good and so here enters my dad.

I have the best dad in the world. His sister, my aunt, killed herself when I was 12 and it destroyed me. This was one of her attempts that had worked. My poor aunt Maggi was not found until she started to smell. It took two weeks of her hanging there.

I tried to email her after I found out (we frequently talked via email) to see if maybe she would respond. Surprise, she didn’t.

My dad flew out and was extremely supportive, I felt good when he was visiting. Two days after he left, I was once again staring down at a handful of pills. This time, my boyfriend WAS asleep. I could finally be free…

I didn’t do it. Obviously, I am here writing this . It is a whole fucked up journey to getting to be able to write something as inconsequential as this one post takes a lot of time to try to get out. It took almost 2 months of antidepressants to be able to get anything out at all.

I think that my resentment was because once you resolve yourself to die, feeling “forced” to live seems like a pretty dick move by the universe. You have no will, motivation, or aspirations. I felt compelled to live solely by the fact that people were aware of the first attempt, and I hated it.

But, I used the feeling of being pressured to live to my advantage & I figured that if I told a few of my extremely close friends, and some members of my family, I would feel more accountable if I had any future desires to kill myself. It sucked, but I did it. I only had to wait two more weeks to tell my psychiatrist & get on a treatment regimen.

PHEW. This was exhausting to write. I hope it helps some people, and once again, these are MY feelings and no one should feel as though their feelings after a failed suicide attempt should be the same as mine.

I’d love to hear some of the stories that other people who have tried t kill themselves and survive have, if anyone feels comfortable.

Always here to help. Text 503.216.4223 or comment

Snowboarding & Suicide Series: What’s Coming Up.

I know the progress on this series has been slow, but it is constantly on my mind. This is not an easy story to put into words. Here is a lil’ preview of what is to come:

Exploring questions such as:
~What some different types and symptoms of depression are and how to try to recognize signs in yourself & others.
~Why was I not grateful for being “saved” and surviving my suicide attempt? Why did I only feel resentment?
*What are common emotions among suicide survivors?
~How to begin “coming back from the dead” I like to call it. Kind of like learning how to live when you made your mind up to just end it.
~How to prevent yourself from the temptation of trying again.

Stay tuned y’all!

Good News Network: The Psychology of Healing Addiction, Abuse, and Trauma

The Psychology of Healing Addiction, Abuse, and Trauma

A bunch of resources worth checking out!


Snowboarding and Suicide Series: Introduction

This is a series about learning how to survive, exist, and find a way to actually LIVE without feeling as though it is a burden. I am no expert at this, just trying to figure it all out like the rest of us. I want this series to be helpful, familiar, relatable and comforting to people who are trying to find out what the fuck is going on in their mind.

Snowboarding and Suicide will explore the dirty details and raw truths behind suicide, mental illness, and survival – with no sugar coating. Like the different kinds of depression and how to recognize them, and the fucked up things you deal with after a failed suicide attempt.

S&S will also (not surprisingly) be about SNOWBOARDING and why that is what sparked the creation of a blog at all. My goal isn’t to become the female Red Gerard, just to use something I already know and enjoy as a sort of anchor to attach all other aspects of your life. I will explain how finding YOUR “snowboarding” can help you improve your happiness, happiness, finances, discipline, you name it. More on this later**

After surviving a suicide attempt – you need to relearn how to live and what to do with the life you thought was over. This is not an easy thing. I hope to use my fucked up story to better understand how we can all try to be a little better each day and if we can’t, at least we know we aren’t alone. I’d love feedback and sharing of your own stories or advice on the subject.