5 Inner Habits You Need To Make Any Relationship Last

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Image by Nemanja Glumac / Stocksy

If you ask someone in their 20s what matters most to them in life, they will usually say, “My relationship and my career.” Relationships and careers are the stabilizers in today’s world, bringing security, contentment, and purpose in life. Yet we don’t seem to be very good at the relationship part. Many of us are isolated, lonely, dissatisfied with our partners, and simply struggling to nurture and sustain healthy long-term relationships.

Is this reflective of our disposable and mobile culture? Whether we are talking about containers, appliances, or people, we now live in a world where we throw things away so easily. The environmental problems caused by plastic bottles and bags are a symptom. Similarly, when it comes to relationships, what do we do? If there are problems, end it; if there is hardship, look for someone better. We are becoming a culture of quitters.

But the tide is turning: Plastic bags and bottles are banned in many places, and we want sturdier appliances that last instead of cheap ones that fall apart and end up in a landfill. Is our attitude toward relationships also changing? Are we valuing longevity and commitment over a throwaway mentality?

To sustain “long term,” we need emotional intelligence and maturity in relationships, and that requires some basic inner practices. Many of the skills we need actually stem from our own self-awareness practices, such as that of mindfulness and meditation. When we have a better understanding of our own inner emotions, we’re able to respond from a place of generosity.

Based on key self-awareness principles, here are a few inner practices to consider for creating a relationship that lasts:

1. Let harmony be a priority.

Put harmony before being right. Does it really matter if your partner is wrong? Will you ruin the day’s peace by having an argument that could have been avoided by simply saying “OK, honey”?

Ask yourself: Why is it important for me to be right?

2. Listen and pause.

With inner calm and a relaxed mind, you’ll be better able to pause and listen to the other person’s point of view. Ask yourself: What are they feeling and why? Pause often in a conversation and try to understand. Most importantly, what is being communicated behind the words?

3. When there’s tension, love harder.

When there’s tension, what can you do to make the relationship stronger instead of putting it under more stress? Tension is not always a bad thing. It is like a warning bell telling you that something needs to change. Rather than expecting others to change, try to see what you can do.

What happens when you have had a bad day at work and you come home to a partner who has also had a tough day? Are you kind to one another? More often than not you have an argument simply because both of you are tired and irritated. If kids are also in the equation, it can be even more hectic. Dinnertime can be the cause of indigestion! So be kind. And remember, your attitudes and thoughts are even more important than the words you say.

4. Speak sweetly.

When the inner state is calm, speech will also be calm. Cultivate the way you speak so that your voice flows like nectar, in a soothing way without harshness or an edge. People will enjoy listening to you when you speak sweetly.

5. Make it a practice to think through the ways you’ve messed up.

At bedtime, take a minute to close your eyes and feel sorry for anything you have done to hurt others, even unknowingly. There is no need to feel guilty; just promise yourself you will not do it again. You will then sleep with a clearer, lighter conscience.

All of us want healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships—we just need the skills to let them happen. Life is not about running away from problems but facing them head-on with a cheerful and peaceful attitude. Much of the work of creating a long-lasting relationship actually starts with doing the inner work first.

How To Talk To A Parent, Sibling, Or Friend You Think Might Be Lonely

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Though loneliness has been a human issue forever, modern loneliness is endemic among both old and young in societies worldwide. The issue is so pervasive that the UK government launched a landmark scheme to tackle loneliness nationally in 2018. But if you think somebody you know might be lonely, knowing how to talk to themabout it can be tough. Being lonely is still seen as a taboo thing, and we often lack the right vocabulary to talk about it.

third of people in the UK expressed loneliness in a survey in 2018, and in 2019, a survey in the U.S. revealed 47 percent of respondents experienced feelings of loneliness. It’s not confined to any age, either; millennials are lonelier than previous generations, according to a study in 2018. Studies show that loneliness may partially be caused by the isolation of relationships conducted via social media and the risk of burnout at work. Many of us are also experiencing the loneliness of cities; as humans live in ever-more crowded metropolises in the 21st century, we also become increasingly separate from others. “You can be lonely anywhere, but there is a particular flavour [sic] to the loneliness that comes from living in a city, surrounded by millions of people,” writes critic and artist Olivia Laing in The Lonely City.

If you notice somebody close to you appears to be feeling isolated, here’s how to have a conversation about it without making them angry, defensive, or feel more isolated.

1. Take It Slow

Santypan/Shutterstock

A conversation about somebody else’s loneliness, even if it’s somebody you’re really close to, can feel awkward and raise issues. “Be patient,” Age UK, an organization focused on the elderly (who are particularly vulnerable to loneliness), advises. “When people are lonely, particularly if it’s associated with poor mental health or physical health, they may get irritable or feel misunderstood by others. You may need to offer gentle assurance.” This is not a condemnation or an intervention; it’s an expression of concern, and it may take a few conversations before they’re willing to talk about how they’re feeling.

2. Use A Meal As An Opportunity To Talk

Using meals as a gateway to start this discussion is particularly recommended around major holidays, where lonely people can feel isolated and opportunities for food and shared meals are common. “Why not demonstrate that you’re thinking about someone by making them a delicious meal?” wrote Sabrina Barr for The Independent in 2018. This will not only build closeness into your relationship, it’ll also offer an opportunity to talk about their loneliness and what they need as you prepare food or share it together.

3. Speak From A Place Of Empathy

Oleh Schlepenko/Shutterstock

People who are lonely don’t just need to “buck up” or “get themselves out there.” Talking down to lonely people, particularly if they have challenges that mean they can’t socialize very much — an illness, a caretaker role, shyness or mobility issues — isn’t going to help. “The use of an infantilising [sic] voice is more often than not experienced as disrespectful and humiliating, and can bring about a self-fulfilling prophecy,” says the UK’s Campaign To End Loneliness.

4. Include Them in Bigger Events

Invite your parent, sibling, or friend to come to a big social occasion that will prompt them to feel a little less isolated, and then see if you can have some one-on-one time; in the light of their recent social interactions at your party or get-together, they may feel more relaxed about talking about their loneliness in general. It’s a double whammy; it helps lonely people feel more connected to others, and also offers a venue to chat where they might feel a bit more cheerful.

5. Come From A No-Judgement Point Of View

Ashley Batz/Bustle

Just as you wouldn’t offer judgment on a sick friend, you can help your loved one talk about loneliness without bringing up individual choices. “A warm, non-judgemental [sic] acceptance of the other person as whatever they are in that given moment during your helping relationship with them” is necessary when you’re dealing with their loneliness, the Campaign To End Loneliness says. “[Understand] that confronting painful feelings and changing their behaviour [sic] in some way can be a big step and a daunting challenge.” Focus on their feelings and how they’re choosing to express them, not your judgement of their situation.

6. Don’t Be Afraid To Talk About The Real Stuff

A survey of lonely American adults in 2018, TIME magazine reported, focused particularly on “meaningful relationships.” People who were lonely, the survey noted, had something in common: they said they had fewer people with whom they could “discuss matters of personal importance.” If you want to have a conversation with a lonely friend or family member, it may help to make time to hear about their life in general, and build meaning into your relationship.

Focus on being an empathetic listener. What are their day-to-day worries? What’s personally important to them? Creating or strengthening a meaningful relationship means you’ll have a better basis to talk about their loneliness, and they’ll be more likely to feel comfortable talking about it.

7. Let Them Guide The Conversation

Ashley Batz/Bustle

You’re ready to have a big conversation about loneliness — but let your loved one take charge. “Facilitate a conversation about loneliness, using the skills and qualities of empathy, openness, warmth and respect, and help people to understand their own circumstances and plan their own solutions,” recommends the Campaign To End Loneliness. You might have an idea or a thousand about things they could do to improve their loneliness — join a club! Learn a new skill! — but, the Campaign says, it’s better to let them take agency over the conversation (and what results from it).

It’s also valuable not to make assumptions about what they want; young moms might not want to do lots of stuff to do with motherhood or children, for instance. “We try and remove limits and expectations about roles and interests,” says the Campaign.

Loneliness can be a hard thing to battle — but a friend or family member who really wants to help is a valuable asset. Take on the job diplomatically, and you might be able to make a real difference for a lonely person.

If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.

Introverts Don’t Hate People, They Hate Shallow Socializing

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two introverts socializing
I like to make jokes about how much I hate people. As an introvert, it’s easy to do. The stereotype of the misanthropic introvert is backed by countless Facebook memes and pop culture references. Think of the animated character Daria with her oversized glasses and a book in her hand, or that catchy quote from Charles Bukowski, “I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they aren’t around.”These memes and quotes exist for a reason. They’re funny and relatable, and I’ve enjoyed sharing them just as much as anyone else. But there’s a darker side to them. They can also serve as a coping mechanism for those who need an excuse to hide behind. Let me explain.It’s the whole “I’m too school for cool” persona. It’s easy for me to say I spent the majority of the party playing with the host’s cat because the people there weren’t half as interesting as the books I have at home. It’s harder for me to admit that getting past the barrier of small talk ranges from somewhat daunting to downright terrifying. So I oversimplify and say I don’t like people, when what I actually dislike are the surface-level interactions of most social gatherings.We’ve all been to those parties where the sole purpose of the event is for everyone to break into small groups where they talk about sports, the weather, or where the host’s second cousin got her hair done. It’s moments like these where it suddenly becomes very important to find out if there’s a pet you can play with, or when all else fails, perhaps a large potted plant to hide behind. If there’s a drink to be fetched or a bowl of chips to be refilled, this task will instantly become the sole purpose of my existence, because literally anything is better than small talk.

However, despite appearances, I don’t hate people. I just hate shallow socializing.

And therein lies the problem that has kept thousands of introverts awake until all hours of the night. Because being an introvert doesn’t mean you want to be alone all the time. But unfortunately, in order to meet people to share your inner world with, it’s necessary to go out and socialize. In order to get to those coveted discussions about life goals, creative passions, and the existence of the universe, you sometimes have to start with some small talk — no matter how painful it might be.

Sometimes You Have to Go Out to Appreciate Staying In

As an introvert, I view socializing much like I view other aspects of my life that I know are good for me in the long run, but really aren’t very enjoyable in the moment. Do I really want to go to the gym when I could just go home and watch Netflix? No. Do I really want a salad for lunch when I could have a hamburger? No. Do I really want to go to a partywhen I could curl up in bed with a book and a cup of tea? It’s a no-brainer.

However, to reap the rewards, you have to put in the work.

It’s all about balance. Just like I might treat myself to a piece of chocolate cake as a reward for all those days at the gym last week, I’ll spend a quiet Saturday night at home because I know I already put in a night of socializing and interacting with people outside of my comfort zone on Friday.

The reward of staying in is so much sweeter when it’s saved as its own unique event to look forward to — whereas staying home with a book feels a whole lot less special when you’re doing it for the tenth night in a row. Sometimes you have to go out to fully appreciate staying in, and vice versa.

I never would’ve met some of my closest friends if I chose to stay home and read all the time. Those relationships I have now were worth the anxiety and apprehension I felt upon venturing out of my comfort zone to establish them.

Unfortunately, finding those kinds of relationships is rare, because socializing doesn’t always have tangible rewards. Sometimes I leave an event feeling drained and wishing I’d never left the house. Other times, I might feel that it went okay, but I know the surface-level conversations I held all evening probably won’t lead to any life-altering friendships. But that’s okay, because not every conversation or evening out has to be life-altering.

For the Introvert, Socializing Isn’t Just a Way to Pass the Time

As an introvert, it’s my natural tendency to always want every interaction to be about establishing a life-long deep connection, but I’ve learned that can put too much pressure on the average casual conversation. Sometimes it’s just about staying in practice with my (albeit limited) people skills until the day when someone suddenly wants to talk about their dreams and goals and all the things that makes them tick. It’s impossible to know where a conversation will lead unless you try.

I’m aware of just how ridiculous my socializing philosophy will sound to extroverts. To them, socializing itself is the end goal. My extroverted friends are always looking for something to do on the weekend, during the holidays, and even on work nights. They pursue socializing for the in-the-moment excitement that it brings. For me, attempting to socialize is a long-term goal, one that I carefully craft and balance so I don’t get mentally or emotionally overwhelmed.

“Going out” is rarely exciting for me in the moment. But I always have hope when attending a party or trying a new networking event that I’ll make a friend who is also dying for a quiet cup of coffee while chatting about life, or who wants to take a trip to the beach just so we can lay side by side and read in complete silence.


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When I socialize, I’m not looking for a way just to pass the time. I already have a full list of hobbies and interests and not enough hours in the day to enjoy them all. But I’m always looking for a new person with whom I can share my passions and my world. Sometimes meeting that one new person can be worth the agony of socializing. I like to think I’m the kind of person worth socializing for, and I know I’m not the only one of my kind.

So, my fellow introverts, please occasionally put down your books, go out, and search for the people who make socializing worth it — because I’m out there looking for you.

Relationships Can Help in Borderline Personality Disorder

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For people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), relationships can be a struggle. The people close to these individuals themselves face significant challenges. With symptoms of the disorder that include difficulties with boundaries, instability of self-concept, inability to regulate emotions, and frequent attempts at self-harm, the individuals who meet this diagnosis may expect too much out of their relationship partners, react with outrage when they feel they’re being rejected, and be demanding of excessive reassurance and attention. Treatment for people with borderline personalitydisorder is generally given only to the individual instead of to the individual and close relationship partners. Such an approach not only leaves those partners out of the therapy loop, but also may fail to take advantage of the “data” a relationship partner can provide about the individual’s behavior outside of the therapy context.

According to new research by Rutgers University’s Skye Fitzpatrick and colleagues (2019), early childhood relationships are important factors in the development of this disorder. However, theorists and researchers may pay less attention than they should to adult relationships. A biopsychosocial perspective to BPD emphasizes how the disorder is maintained within the close relationships that people have in adulthood. As the authors note, “When emotional intensity increases in people with BPD, SOs (significant others) attempt to escape the intense emotion rather than engage in effective problem-solving, emotional validation, or emotional tolerance” (p. 2). As a result, the SOs become less supportive and more judgmental, and can become demanding, critical, attacking, and withholding of affection. A downward spiral ensues, only exacerbating the individual with BPD’s distress and hence, dysfunctional behaviors within the relationship.

Fitzpatrick and her colleagues note that SO’s are involved in many other types of treatments for a range of other disorders from depression to post-traumatic stress disorder. BPD would be an area particularly suitable for such interventions, given that the symptoms are so closely linked to relationship factors. Although some studies have included relationships with family members, they do not take into account the very important contributions of nonfamilial relationships. There are, Fitzpatrick et al. note, a number of potential targets of treatment if close intimate partners are involved in the process. These include reducing BPD symptoms in the individual but also reducing the distress of the SO, and thereby reducing the general distress in the relationship. SOs could also be used in therapy as “coaches,” as targets of education about the disorder, and to help the couple work on reducing their relationship distress in general.

Using this as a background, the Rutgers University researchers examined the existing literature on the most well-established approaches to BPD therapy that fall into these three categories. The first, are those coachinginterventions in which the SO actively participates in treatment. In what is called “Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem-Solving (STEPPS),” clients themselves learn about such well-established therapeutic approaches as cognitive-behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy, which encourage clients to challenge their thoughts, learn to manage their emotions, communicate effectively, and manage their behaviors. SOs are brought in for one 2-hour session so that they can learn about these techniques. They can bring the therapy home by asking the individual with BPD such questions as “Have you tried a skill?” when they are distressed. STEPPS was shown, in two well-controlled randomized trial interventions, to show improvement in BPD symptoms that persisted past the end of therapy.

The second way of involving family in treating people with BPD uses education and family-based interventions. In “Family Connections,” family members of people with BPD participate in 12 weeks of group therapy in which they receive information and support. They also are taught some skills from dialectical behavior therapy to learn how to build healthier relationships with the individual with BPD. The tests of this approach were mixed, and compared to STEPPS, did not appear to provide substantial improvement, and it therefore appears to work more as a support group than as a therapeutic intervention. One variant of this approach involves family skills training in methods shown to work for individuals with BPD in traditional therapy, but there are no empirical studies demonstrating its effectiveness. Small positive effects of treatment were shown in what’s called “Staying Connected,” that focuses on the SO’s distress rather than on the partner with BPD. However, there were not enough studies to support this approach’s effectiveness.

Disorder-specific therapies involve SOs in forms of therapy ordinarily used for individuals alone. In couple dialectical behavior therapy, couples are seen as trapped together in a cycle of “high emotional arousal, inaccurate expression of emotion, and invalidation” (p. 7). Therapy attempts to reduce suicidal, self-injurious, and aggressive behavior. The couple then goes on to learn how to reactivate their relationship by engaging mindfully in joint activities. They learn how to identify and express their emotions in an accurate manner, and acknowledge the feelings of their partners. The couple also learns how to manage conflict in ways that reduces destructive communication and helps to restore feelings of closeness. Couple dialectical behavior therapy, although tested only in one randomized study, showed positive effects on relationship quality as well as the SO’s levels of passion.

The next BPD-specific therapy tested in the context of couples counseling was “couple emotion dysregulation treatment.” Across 3 phases of a 16-week treatment, couples learn methods of dialectical behavior and couples cognitive behavioral treatment with the goal of reducing the couple’s levels of distress. In the couples cognitive behavior phase of the treatment, for example, couples learn to differentiate between sharing and problem-solving, and in the process learn to soothe each other and express emotion. Unfortunately, the one study testing this approach was an uncontrolled pilot study, but the results suggested that the method did yield some positive effects on relationship satisfaction that persisted beyond the end of active treatment.

Given that these studies are just a beginning, the authors believe that the involvement of SOs in treatment of people with BPD shows promise. One common feature of all these approaches is their focus on training in emotion regulation skills. Using skills taught to the individual’s partner, such an approach helps to provide consistency outside the therapy session and in the home, both in terms of the feedback the individual receives from the partner as well as through modeling. Another positive feature of this approach is that the SO learns to regulate his or her own emotions, helping to break the destructive cycle in communication that can result when their anger and frustration start to get out of control.

As noted by the Rutgers researchers, the studies that incorporate SOs have additional limitations in that most of the individuals with BPD were female. Furthermore, other theoretical underpinnings in the causes and maintenance of the disorder were not tested in the intervention context. The other major limitation, of course, is that couples treatment was not compared to treatment involving individuals alone.

To sum up, Fitzpatrick and her collaborators have laid the groundwork for a potentially crucial area of intervention research with individuals who have BPD. Taking into account the relationships that make up such an important context for the lives of people with this disorder should help advance not only the theories of BPD in adulthood, but also the everyday contexts in which this disorder affects people’s lives.

What Is Well-Being? Definition, Types, and Well-Being Skills

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What Is Well-Being?

Well-being is the experience of healthhappiness, and prosperity. It includes having good mental health, high life satisfaction, and a sense of meaning or purpose. More generally, well-being is just feeling well (Take this quiz to discover your level of well-being).

Well-being is something sought by just about everyone, because it includes so many positive things — feeling happy, healthy, socially connected, and purposeful. But unfortunately, well-being appears to be in decline (at least in the U.S.). And increasing your well-being can be tough without knowing what to do and how to do it. These are some of the reasons why I founded The Berkeley Well-Being Institute — an organization that translates the science of well-being into simple tools and products that help you build your well-being.

Can You Actually Improve Your Well-Being?

Increasing your well-being is simple — there are tons of skills you can build. But increasing your well-being is not always easy — figuring out what parts of well-being are most important for you and figuring out how, exactly, to build well-being skills usually require some extra help.

How Long Does It Take to Improve Well-Being?

Usually when people start consistently using science-based techniques for enhancing well-being, they begin to feel better pretty quickly. In the research studies that I’ve conducted and read, most people show significant improvements within five weeks.

But you have to stick to it. If you are feeling better after five weeks, you can’t just stop there.

Why? Well, you probably already know that if you stop eating healthy and go back to eating junk food, then you’ll end up back where you started. It turns out that the exact same thing is true for different types of well-being. If you want to maintain the benefits you gain, you’ll have to continue to engage in well-being-boosting practices to maintain your skills. So it’s really helpful to have strategies and tools that help you stick to your well-being goals — for example, a happiness and well-being plan or a well-being boosting activity collection that you can continue to use throughout your life.

So, what are the skills you need to build and the practices you need to engage in to build your well-being? Here’s what you need to know:

Where Does Well-Being Come From?

Well-being emerges from your thoughts, actions, and experiences — most of which we have control over. For example, when we think positive, we tend to have greater emotional well-being. When we pursue meaningful relationships, we tend to have better social well-being. And when we lose our job — or just hate it — we tend to have lower workplace well-being. These examples start to reveal how broad well-being is, and how many different types of well-being there are.

Because well-being is such a broad experience, let’s break it down into its different types.

Five Major Types of Well-Being Are:

  • Emotional Well-Being — The ability to practice stress-managementtechniques, be resilient, and generate the emotions that lead to good feelings.
  • Physical Well-Being — The ability to improve the functioning of your body through healthy eating and good exercise habits.
  • Social Well-Being — The ability to communicate, develop meaningful relationships with others, and maintain a support network that helps you overcome loneliness.
  • Workplace Well-Being — The ability to pursue your interests, values, and purpose in order to gain meaning, happiness, and enrichment professionally.
  • Societal Well-Being — The ability to actively participate in a thriving community, culture, and environment.

To build your overall well-being, you have to make sure all of these types are functioning to an extent.

Think of it like this. Imagine you are in a car. Your engine works great, and maybe your transmission works pretty well too, but your brakes don’t work. Because your brakes don’t work, it doesn’t really matter how well your engine works. You’re still going to have trouble going about your life.

The same thing is true for your well-being. If everything else in your life is going great, but you feel lonely, or you’re eating unhealthfully, other areas of your life will be affected, and you likely won’t feel as well as you want to.

Because each part of well-being is important to your overall sense of well-being, let’s talk about how to build each type of well-being.

How Do You Build the Different Types of Well-Being?

Emotional Well-Being

To develop emotional well-being, we need to build emotional skills — skills like positive thinkingemotion regulation, and mindfulness, for example. Often, we need to build a variety of these skills to cope with the wide variety of situations we encounter in our lives. When we have built these emotional well-being skills, we can better cope with stress, handle our emotions in the face of challenges, and quickly recover from disappointments. As a result, we can enjoy our lives a bit more and pursue our goals a bit more effectively.

Here are some of the skills that research suggests contribute to emotional well-being:

Physical Well-Being

To develop our physical well-being, we need to know what a healthy dietand exercise routine looks like, so that we can implement effective strategies in our daily lives. When we improve our physical well-being, not only do we feel better, our newfound health can also help prevent many diseases, boost our emotional well-being, and limit the number of health challenges we have to deal with in our lives.

Here are some of the things that can help you boost your physical well-being:

  • Eating for Health
  • Detoxing Your Body
  • Correcting Nutritional Deficiencies
  • Removing Plastic From Your Home

​Unfortunately, it’s possible to eat healthy and still be unhealthy. We can accidentally miss important foods or nutrients. Or we can overburden ourselves with toxins from plastic or processed food. As a result, we may need to eat additional foods, detox our bodies, or prevent these toxins from entering our bodies again. This is why it’s essential to learn about health, so that we can make the right changes — changes that lead to long-term health and well-being.

Social Well-Being

To develop our social well-being, we need to build our social skills — skills like gratitude, kindness, and communication. Social skills make it easier for us to have positive interactions with others, helping us to feel less lonely, angry, or disconnected. When we have developed our social well-being, we feel more meaningfully connected to others.

Here are some of the skills that research suggests contribute to better social well-being:

It’s important to know that building social well-being is one the best ways to build emotional well-being. When we feel socially connected, we also tend to just feel better, have more positive emotions, and we are able to cope better with challenges. This is why it’s essential to build our social well-being.

Workplace Well-Being

To develop our workplace well-being, we need to build skills that help us pursue what really matters to us. This can include building professional skills which help us to advance more effectively, but it also includes things like living our values and maintaining work-life balance. These skills let us enjoy our work more, helping us to stay focused, motivated, and successful at work. When we have developed workplace well-being, our work, and therefore each day, feels more fulfilling.

Here are some of the key skills you need for workplace well-being:

  • Maintaining Work-Life Balance
  • Finding Your Purpose

​Because we spend so much time at work, building our workplace well-being has a big impact on our overall well-being.

Societal Well-Being

To develop societal well-being, we need to build skills that make us feel interconnected with all things. We need to know how to support our environment, build stronger local communities, and foster a culture of compassion, fairness, and kindness. These skills help us feel like we’re part of a thriving community that really supports one another and the world at large. When we cultivate societal well-being, we feel like we are a part of something bigger than just ourselves.

Although each one of us only makes up a tiny fraction of a society, it takes all of us to create societal well-being. If each one of us did one kind act for someone else in our community, then we would live in a very kind community. Or if all of us decide we are going to recycle, then suddenly we create a world with significantly less waste. In order to live in a healthy society, we too need to contribute to making a healthy society.

Here are some of the skills you can build for greater societal well-being:

Who Benefits Most From Building Well-Being?

Not everyone experiences the same benefits from building their well-being. For example, lots of research suggests that the more motivated you are to build well-being skills, the greater the impact. Perhaps this is not surprising.

Still other research shows that having skills like a growth mindset or a positive attitude can actually help you build your other well-being skills more easily. This is why I tend to encourage people to build these skills first — afterwards, you may be able to increase the other types of well-being more easily.

In addition, building well-being skills is perhaps most beneficial for people who are struggling with well-being the most, particularly if they’ve recently undergone something stressful. It may be harder to build well-being during this time or for these people, but the impact may be greater, because there is more room for improvement.

There Is No Magic About Building Well-Being

Keep in mind, it takes time and effort to build any new skillset — that includes well-being skills. It’s important to be realistic with yourself about what you can reasonably accomplish is a given amount of time. Having unrealistic expectations can lead you to give up before you’ve reached your well-being goals. So it’s key to create a realistic plan for your well-being, stick to it, and take small actions every day that add to big improvements up over time.

If you’ve read my articles before, you might know that I too have struggled with aspects of my well-being, particularly with maintaining work-life balance. The truth is, we all struggle with different parts of well-being, and new struggles can and will pop up, even if you’re doing well. But the longer we’ve worked on strengthening our well-being skills, the easier it is to be resilient, take the actions needed to bounce back, and continue moving forward even in the face of challenges.

Yes, growing your well-being is a lifelong pursuit, but it is a pursuit that is totally worth it.

Feeling Lonely? Discover 18 Ways to Overcome Loneliness

Author Article

The great irony is that as we become increasingly “connected”—on social media, video calling, and messaging—we simultaneously feel increasingly lonely. And even though we may use technology to feel more connected, it may be exactly what’s leading us to feel lonely.

Are you feeling socially connected? (take this well-being quiz to see how you’re feeling). If not, try some of these 18 strategies to stop feeling lonely.

1. Practice self-kindness when you’re feeling lonely

In difficult moments, it’s essential to practice self-kindness. Blaming ourselves when we feel lonely is not helpful. So limit your hurtful self-talkengage in some self-care, and just generally give yourself a break. Perhaps a walk in nature or a day at the spa may be helpful for getting yourself into a self-kindness mood.

2. Capitalize on the present moment when you’re feeling lonely

When you feel good about something, share it with others right away, and I don’t mean “share” by posting on your social media. You could share by calling or texting a friend. Or share with the people you work with. Keep in mind that the positive things that you can share don’t have to be big. You could simply have woken up on the right side of the bed and think, “Hey, I’m feeling great today.” By sharing these moments, you create small moments of connection with others that can help you overcome loneliness.

3. Connect in real life when you’re feeling lonely

Connecting in real life may not be as easy as it once was. We often default to using our smartphones—it’s easier, and now, and it’s culturally accepted. But we can decrease our loneliness if we build stronger in-person connections. We do this by looking people in the eyes, listening, being mindful, and choosing not be distracted by our phones or other technologies.

4. Rethink how you spend your spare time when you’re feeling lonely

When we feel lonely, sometimes we just want to retreat into a corner and hide. Other times, our endless to-do list may leave us too exhausted to go out and be social. But opting to stay alone every night with our phoneswatching Netflix, or playing on Facebook can really get us stuck in loneliness. We’ve created a life for ourselves that deprives of us of meaningful social connection, and the only way to get out of it is to start living differently.

If we instead use our loneliness to motivate us to reach out to people, then we can strengthen our relationships. By opting to cope with our loneliness by seeking out social support, we create more social moments with the people in our lives that matter to us, which usually reduces our loneliness.

5. Do more things with people to feel less lonely

Engaging in face-to-face social interactions tends to improve our mood and reduce depressionActivities that involve other people — such as attending religious services or engaging in sports — are also likely to have positive effects on our mental health. So find ways to be around people more.

6. Talk to strangers when you’re feeling lonely

A growing body of research suggests that even seemingly trivial interactions with strangers — like chatting with a barista or cashier — may be able to keep loneliness at bay by helping us feel more socially connected. So reach out to other human beings to say hello, ask them how they are, or chat about whatever’s on your mind. These small acts can make a big difference and help you reduce feelings of loneliness.

7. Be active online when you’re feeling lonely

Instead of passively surfing the net or your social media, if you want to go online, opt instead to do something that involves the active participation of other people. For example, you could play games with others, chat about something you care about, give advice on a forum, or have a video call with a friend. The more you interact with others while online, the more connected you are likely to feel.

8. Share for real online when you’re feeling lonely

Somewhere along the way, the word “sharing” got co-opted on social media to describe what is really just “humble bragging.” We post about cool things we did, nice meals we ate, or a fun party we went to—all things that we didn’t actually share with the people who are viewing our posts.

Instead of posting about things you did, reclaim the word “share” for what it really means—to give a small or large portion of what is yours to someone else. You could share advice, words of support, or even empathy all from your smartphone. As a result, your connections are likely to be more kind and supportive.

9. Stop focusing so much on you when you’re feeling lonely

It’s almost inevitable in our modern technology-crazed world that we start to believe that we don’t have enough. Bob got a new car. Sherri got a new house. Sonja got a new job. We also see false or unrealistic images—models Photoshopped to have perfect waists and abs—and we feel envious. As a result, we become increasingly focused on how we are not measuring up.

Instead of focusing on what you can get, shift your focus to what you can give. You could sell T-shirts online to raise money for a good cause. You could ask friends to donate to a charity for your birthday. By giving to others, you take the focus off yourself and do good at the same time, helping you to feel more connected and less lonely.

10. Stop your negative thought cycles when you’re feeling lonely

We might repeatedly think about what we could have done differently to prevent ourselves from feeling so alone. We ruminate on the events or people or causes, because we mistakenly believe that thinking about our loneliness over and over again will help us solve it. Unfortunately, it does us no good to get caught up in our thoughts instead of taking the actions we need to feel better.

To put an end to these negative thought cycles, we need to take action—do something different that stops these thoughts and changes our experience of the world. For example, if I’m feeling lonely, I’ll go to the gym or schedule lunches with friends for the next few days. And it helps.

11. Generate a sense of awe when you’re feeling lonely

Awe (like when we witness the birth of new baby, or a majestic mountain) makes time seem like it’s standing still and helps us be more open to connecting. Something about feeling small in the context of a big world appears to help us see ourselves as a part of a whole, which may help us feel less alone. So expose yourself to something that creates awe—like landscapes, new experiences, or new foods.

12. Spend money on experiences when you’re feeling lonely

If we’re spending all our money on things, we wont have the cash to spend money on experiences with others. And it turns out that spending money on experiences is way better for our mental health. So get creative and think about what you want to do with others. For example, I might go on a canoeing trip, go wine tasting, plan a beach party, or host arts & crafts night. What group activities might make you feel less lonely?

13. Pay attention to the things that matter when you’re feeling lonely

How do we expect to improve our loneliness when we don’t know what causes it? It’s hard. So it’s helpful to start paying attention to the present moment. What are the experiences that make you feel lonely? And what are the experiences that make you feel connected or like you belong? Identifying these moments can help you reduce loneliness because you can limit engagement in the activities that make you feel lonely and increase engagement in the activities that make you feel connected.

14. Create a vision board when you’re feeling lonely

I keep a vision board tacked up by my desk to remind me of my goals. A big chunk of my vision board is about connecting—building community, networking, spending time with family, and the like. Sometimes I have a hard time sticking to it, but having the vision board reminds me to. Once you discover the things that make you feel less lonely and more connected, it can be helpful to create a board or list or plan for what you’ll do—something to keep near you so you remember what you need to do to combat loneliness.

15. Tend to your network when you’re feeling lonely

Sometimes we can end up feeling alone even though we are connected to lots of people. So it can be helpful to reach out to these people and schedule times to catch up. Aim to schedule at least one social hour per week—a coffee date, lunch, or happy hour. Who knows, maybe an old friendship can be reignited.

16. Join an online group of like-minded people when you’re feeling lonely

You can now find people online with just about any interest—for example, politics, cooking, or sports. Joining one of these mission-oriented groupscan be a way to feel more connected to others, even when you don’t have access to face-to-face interactions. You might get to know some new people or make life-long friends. You can even try out a few groups to see which ones fit you best and decrease your loneliness the most.

17. Volunteer remotely or in real life when you’re feeling lonely

For some of us, it’s hard to find people to spend time with, let alone connect with. So we have to find new people. One way to do this is by volunteering for a cause, either remotely or in your town. Just be sure you’re working with others. Working on an important problem with others can help you decrease loneliness.

18. Be nice to yourself when you experience failures

It’s important to practice self-compassion when you fail at things. Remember, everyone fails, and there is no need to be a bully to yourself, feel guilty, or put yourself down. That kind of attitude won’t help you decrease loneliness now or in the future. Instead, try talking to yourself in a way that is supportive, kind, and caring — and you’ll be more likely to acknowledge mistakes you may have made in trying to decrease loneliness, and hopefully do better next time.

Want to learn more about how to build well-being? Check out Berkeleywellbeing.com.

“Very little is needed to make a happy life it is all within yourself in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius” What we think therefore we become. If we truly want to be happy, Its a matter of making that choice. if you are going through a tough situation its okay to break down, we are all […]

via How to add more happiness to your life — Kingleevibes

Helping Others Get The Psychological Support They Need

See Psychology Today Article Here
By George S. Everly

According to many authorities, currently there is a mental healthcrisis. School shootings, workplace violence, random acts of violent rage, even some acts of terrorism have been associated with, and even blamed on, acute psychological distress, depression, or more frank mental illness. Data from the National Institute of Mental Health suggests that roughly 10 million individuals in the US suffer from some form of severe mental illness characterized by severe impairments to their daily lives. But it has been further estimated that up to another 30 million people may have to deal with psychological conditions that serve to mildly or moderately interfere with their ability to most effectively function socially or at the workplace. How does society begin to address such a problem when traditional approaches are sometimes disappointing?

Clker-Free-Vector-Images/Pixabay
Source: Clker-Free-Vector-Images/Pixabay

Using psychological first aid (PFA) to foster resilience may be one nontraditional approach. This is the third in a series of three discussions of PFA. PFA may be defined as a supportive presence designed to achieve three goals: 1) stabilize (prevent acute stress from worsening) 2) mitigate (de-escalate and dampen acute distress) 3) advocate for and facilitate access to professional assistance, if necessary. Two previous discussions in this series have addressed the first and second goals. This discussion addresses the third goal, facilitating access to supportive psychological care, if needed.

EXPANDING THE REACH OF MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT

Getting friends, family, and others for whom you care the psychological assistance they might need is not always easy.  The first step is recognition. Family members, friends, co-workers, healthcare providers, and educators all have the potential to reduce the stigma associated with seeking mental health care. Furthermore, they have the potential to help others seek professional guidance when needed. This is achieved by serving as compassionate frontline advocates for the pursuit of such professional mental health support.

Kahll/Pixabay
Source: Kahll/Pixabay

EARLY RECOGNITION

As noted, the first step to removing the stigma associated with seeking mental health support as well as expanding the reach of mental health services is recognition of the  problem. Listed below is a sampling of psychological or behavioral patterns of concern. Recognition of signs and symptoms such as these is a foundation of PFA.

1. Depression: Everyone gets sad, but depression is another matter.  The warning signs of a significant depressive episode may be a persistent sad mood for a couple of weeks combined with a loss of appetite, chronic fatigue, awakening early in the morning (often around 3am) with difficulty falling back to sleep, and a loss of libido. We become especially concerned when there is a questioning of the value of life, and the loss of hope or a future orientation as these may herald suicidal ideation and even self-injurious or suicidal acts. Professional care in such cases is imperative.

2. Debilitating Fear: Fear may be thought of as apprehension and stress arousal in response to a specific threat or challenge. Most people have fears of one kind or another. We become concerned when those fears become debilitating interfering with one’s personal or occupational lives. Persistent phobic (irrational fear) avoidance can be crippling. For example the fear and avoidance of crossing bridges or of flying can be quite debilitating.

3. Anxiety: Anxiety may be defined as apprehension and stress arousal in response to an ambiguous threat or challenge. Anxiety can be especially challenging because of its ill-defined nature. It too can be crippling. When it becomes so, it is time to seek a professional opinion.

4. Posttraumatic Stress and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):These are perhaps more correctly envisioned as posttraumatic stress injuries (PTSI): Stress following the exposure to a trauma, usually thought of as either direct or vicarious exposure to a life threatening experience, can be intense and disorienting, but that stress reaction usually diminishes within weeks and resolves within months. When one becomes acutely disabled or continues to vividly re-imagine the experience, becomes psychologically numb or depressed, and experiences irritability, anger, or impulsiveness which interferes with one’s personal or professional life for more than a few weeks, it is then important to seek professional assistance.

5. Strange, erratic, or self-debilitating behavior of any kind, including self-medication: In the final analysis, whether it is crippling depression, anxiety, phobic avoidance, posttraumatic stress reactions, or self-debilitating behavior of any kind that interferes with one’s happiness or personal and professional life, the guidance of a mental healthcare provider should be sought.

Ricinator/Pixabay
Source: Ricinator/Pixabay

COMPASSIONATE ADVOCACY

Beyond recognition, what else can be done? If you recognize a perceived need for professional mental health guidance or support in someone you care for, work with, supervise, or mentor, compassionate advocacy may be useful in facilitating access to such care.  Listed below are some simple steps to assist.

1. Stressful life experiences can make one feel alone and overwhelmed. Make it clear there is no reason for anyone to endure distress alone.

2. Anticipate barriers to seeking professional support and be prepared to address them.  Barriers include such things as stigma, a perception of weakness, or a misunderstanding about what mental health providers actually do. Help the person reinterpret getting help as a sign of personal strength, not a weakness. Reframe seeking professional guidance more as a means of fostering resilience, less as seeking treatment. Create a positive and hopeful expectation of improvement or recovery. Point out that delaying intervention can lead to a needlessly  prolonged period of distress or inability to function effectively. Lastly, suggest that getting professional support is a sign of respect and concern for others, such as family, friends, and co-workers, as well as well, as themselves.

3. Be prepared to address practical and logistical concerns such as where and how to seek professional services. Be prepared to offer specific options about trusted providers, pastoral counseling options, telephone hotlines, financial counseling services, community-based mental health services, employee assistance programs, or other employer-based services.

4. Use encouragement in a compassionate and supportive manner, but be persistent in your encouragement.

© George S. Everly, Jr., PhD, 2019.

If You Have This Personality Trait, Chances Are You’re an Ideal Travel Companion

See Author Article Here
By Andrea Romano

Curious about what makes someone great to travel with? Turns out, you might already have what it takes.

new survey from Curio Collection by Hilton found that curiosity is the most desired trait that travelers look for in their companions.

Sixty-four percent of survey respondents described the perfect travel companion as someone who is curious. In addition, 65 percent consider a spouse or significant other as the best travel partner for new experiences, while 25 percent would prefer to travel alone.

Respondents to the study also shared how curiosity motivates the way they travel. About 91 percent of respondents described themselves as curious, and 60 percent of people said they believe they are more curious than the average person. At the same time, 53 percent said they want to be more open to new experiences. Curiouser and curiouser.

WATCH: These Are the U.S. Airlines Least Likely to Lose or Damage Your Bags

These Are the U.S. Airlines Least Likely to Lose or Damage Your Bags
Having your luggage get lost or damaged during a trip can make for a stressful vacation.

The study also measured how many travelers prioritize exploration on their trips, with 55 percent of respondents saying they primarily want to explore, rather than relax, on vacation.

Fifty-seven percent of travelers wish they could spend more time exploring the things that pique their curiosity, including “visiting ancient ruins, eating dinner at a well-regarded restaurant, or experiencing a safari.”

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