“Research shows that 19 out of 20 people who attempt suicide will fail. But the people who fail are 37 times more likely to succeed the second time. This truly is an at-risk population with very few resources to support them. And what happens when people try to assemble themselves back into life, because of our taboos around suicide, we’re not sure what to say, and so quite often we say nothing. This causes further isolation”Quote from https://www.ted.com/talks/jd_schramm?referrer=playlist-the_struggle_of_mental_health&utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
There is so much truth in this quote. After I survived, I almost did the exact same thing 5 days later. I was still scared to tell most of my support system & was not the least bit grateful or happy to still be alive. Half of the time I did not know how people would react, & half of the time I worried I would be committed to a Psychiatric Ward for Observation. There is massive stigma even around mentioning suicide, let alone discussing a failed attempt. It is hard to decide to live. You can do it, though!
Depression is a fickle bitch and her face looks different to everyone she meets. Sometimes you don’t even know her real name until she is eating at your table and sleeping in your bed. Sometimes she is loud and the center of attention… locking you in your room and cutting all ties, chaining you to the bed. Sometimes she is like a mom that pretends she’s cool and hip but really can’t let loose. Always nagging at you if you do anything that might be off the beaten path. Whether she restrains or reminds you, she is there.
It turns out I have high-functioning depression.
I really don’t know how I didn’t know I was so depressed at the point of killing myself. I have a B.S in Psychology, I am in Psi Chi – the International Honor Society in Psychology.. I scored in the top 1% in the nation on my Psychology exit exams and have some internship and doctorate training in Clinical Neuropsychology under my belt. This is kind of my thing. I had no idea how bad my mental state had gotten.
I have always had high-functioning anxiety, and some episodes of depression, but I was always convinced that I didn’t need antidepressants or anything – but my xanax is always by my side.
I was able to hold down a job, and manage to get through each day good enough to make myself believe that I was fiiiiiine. Sure, I had no sex drive, didn’t get out of bed if I didn’t have work, barely slept and didn’t do a goddamn THING unless I took a piece of my (prescribed) Adderall. I was getting by.
Why wouldn’t I be anything but happy?
I was number 1 in sales, case commissions, and wine club sign ups for 5 straight months. I was living in Oregon with my amazing boyfriend and our dog child. I was financially secure & had a great support system. What is there to not be happy about?
The thing I didn’t realize until after I tried to kill myself was that it was not that I wasn’t happy… I was numb. Going through the motions. I felt nothing at all. That’s why swallowing the pills and the actuality of how close I was to dying never really sunk in. It didn’t it even feel like it was me that tried that. TOTAL DETACHMENT. I just got back to my life as though it didn’t happen. My boyfriend knew better than to push it but I knew he was worried. Things had to change soon & I knew that, but where do you go when you can’t even grasp the heaviness of the situation and feel any emotion towards it?
The moral of the story is to check in with yourself. Yeah, some stuff in life is going to suck because that is just how it goes. But this shouldn’t be the norm. If you notice that shit that used to get you all excited sort of has a blunt affect then maybe do a little reflecting on how things are going in general.
Laziness, and regular tiredness are not the same as not showering or leaving your bed for three days with the excuse that they are your days off. Every daily situation shouldn’t feel like a hassle you want to escape from, I didn’t realize that wasn’t normal until the Lexapro finally kicked in and I actually had an enjoyable time GETTING HEALTH INSURANCE yesterday. Enjoyable and Health Insurance usually aren’t in the same sentence. That was eye-opening.
Regularly check in with yourself, your habits, and your feelings.