I think we have this huge misconception about what love is what love is not. Current day we are so determined for everything in our lives to look and feel so perfect, so molded, and so edited that the second something feels bad a lot of us first think about just leaving whatever doesn’t feel great. We’d rather swim on our own than ride the waves to mellow water. Don’t get me wrong, some relationships are destined to end and it’s a beautiful thing that they do. However, when the amount of effort and dedication is the problem rather than the people and their habits + who they are, that’s where love gets lost.
The truth is, love is not always convenient.
Love is not always steamy sex and beautiful handwritten letters.
Love does not always sound appealing, you do not always crave it.
Love does not always feel like date nights and cloud nine.
Love is not always planning your future and falling in love with the same vision of it.
Love is not always convenient.
Love is asking how your person’s day was when you are exhausted.
Love is feeling mentally drained but still showing appreciation for the fact that your socks have been folded and there is a love note on the mirror for you.
Love is seeing the bigger picture, it’s being willing to ride the waves because you see the bigger picture.
Love is selfless, it communicates, and it even communicates when the words that are being spoken don’t feel so good.
Love does not always happen in the moments that you want it to, sometimes the timing of love accompanies the timing of grief in ways that are unimaginable.
Love is not always a steady pace at sea but love rides waves to shore.
I think we need to remember that love has more to do with our own commitment to unconditional appreciation and gratitude and less to do with temporary moments that we don’t feel full.
Love is about learning your own personal map to fulfillment while still crediting and honoring your experience with another.
Love is knowing it’s not convenient and still daring to show up anyway.
Not to freak you out or anything, but the choices you make today really dohave an impact on your future, even in ways you wouldn’t expect. Life is funny that way; sometimes two completely different aspects of life can collide like colors in a messy drawing, and you’re stuck trying to figure out the bigger picture. Take your love life, for example. Did you know your romantic relationships can affect your sleep? I’m not necessarily referring to that can’t-eat, can’t-sleep phase where everything’s coming up roses and you and your partner can’t get enough of each other, either. According to new research, negative relationship experiences in early adulthood might have some unexpected effects on your sleep quality well into your 30s.
The study documented the possible correlation between participants’ romantic relationships, stress, and how both of these elements affect sleep quality over the course of adulthood. Researchers recruited 112 participants from the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation and studied them from the age of 23 years old to 32 years old. In the end, per a ScienceDailypress release, the researchers found that people who reported having positive relationship experiences in their early 20s were less stressed and enjoying quality sleep in their early 30s. “Although a large body of evidence shows that relationships are important for health, we are just beginning to understand how the characteristics of people’s close relationships affect health behaviors, such as sleep,” Chloe Huelsnitz, a PhD candidate at the University of Minnesota and lead author of the study, said in a statement, per the ScienceDaily press release.
Generally speaking, says Dr. Tammy Nelson, a sex and relationship expert and licensed psychotherapist, one of the most common emotions that can affect your sleep patterns is anxiety, and as I’m sure you know from experience, no matter how good or bad your relationship is, it can sometimes give you a little bit of stress.
“Being anxious can keep us up at night, prevent sleep, and wake us up once we are asleep,” because it raises blood pressure, increases heart rate, quickens your pulse, and tenses up your muscles, Nelson tells Elite Daily over email. “These are all reactions that are in direct opposition to the relaxation that needs to happen when we are asleep.”
But even after you and a partner eventually decide to part ways, if you’re still dealing with pent-up feelings of stress from the relationship, Natalie Dautovich, an environmental scholar for the National Sleep Foundation, says you can still be affected. “We are physically most vulnerable when we are sleeping, so sleep is most possible when we feel safe and secure,” Dautovich tells Elite Daily.
If you’re reading all of this and thinking “well, that’s pretty unfair,” you aren’t wrong. But the thing is, you still have control over your sleep health, and there are ways to ensure that, no matter what happens in terms of your love life, you’re still doing everything you can to get your rest.
Of course, if you are currently in a relationship, that doesn’t just automatically mean your sleep health, in the short- or long-term, is doomed. In fact, a physical connection with a loved one, such as a hug, kiss, or even sex, can calm your nervous system, therefore decreasing stress and anxiety, making it easier to fall and stay asleep, Nelson explains. However, at the same time, it’s important to remember that having your own bedtime routine of some kind, made up of rituals (taking a warm bath, meditating, journaling, diffusing essential oils, etc.) that soothe you without the help of a partner, she adds, is just as key.
Having an SO around can also benefit your sleep health in some slightly more unexpected ways. For instance, they can be there to help hold you accountable when you’re trying to cut back on using your phone in bed, or stick to an earlier bedtime. “A benefit of having a sleeping partner is that they often are the first to notice sleep difficulties (e.g., snoring related to sleep apnea),” Dautovich says, so the two of you can both provide support and promote healthy sleep behaviors for one another. It’s certainly worth the try, right? Clearly the sleep of your future self depends on it.
Anyone who has ever slept next to a partner knows being part of a unit can affect how well you sleep—from dealing with the other person’s weird tossing and turning all night to battling for your fair share of the blanket to trying to get some shut-eye when you’re still halfway through a fight with the person lying next to you and you can’t stop thinking about it.
Past research has shown your relationship can affect your sleep, but a new study published in the Personal Relationships journal has now found an even deeper connection between your love life and sleep: Apparently having a history of stressful relationships may make you more likely to have poorer sleep quality.
Researchers analyzed existing data that had been collected on over 260 people born in the mid-1970s regularly from the time they were born until mid-adulthood. These participants were asked questions about their lives periodically, including being surveyed and interviewed about their recent romantic relationships, experiences with stress, and sleep quality. Analyzing these people’s responses between ages 23 and 37, the researchers discovered a trend: People who’d had better relationships during their early adult years dealt with fewer and less disruptive stressful life experiences at age 32, and that led to having better sleep quality at age 37. That was true regardless of depression status, gender, ethnicity, income, education, and even how much stress people currently had at age 37.
In other words, having a history of good relationships as a young adult—that is, stable long-term relationships where there’s mutual care, trust, emotional closeness, and sensitivity to each other’s needs and where conflicts are resolved in a healthy and satisfying way—tended to lead to less stressful experiences throughout adulthood, which in turn led to better sleep over time.
It’s understandable why stressful life experiences (like job changes, health issues, legal battles, and interpersonal conflicts) would take their toll on a person’s sleep quality; a lot of past research has shown that having a lot of stress can seriously disrupt your sleep. But why might having a better love life lead to having fewer of these types of seemingly unrelated tough life events, or at least having them be less stressful?
“One explanation is that people who possess the interpersonal competencies necessary to maintain relationships marked by mutual caring, trust, conflict resolution, and other positive characteristics are also more likely to have other traits that may mitigate their exposure to and reduce the severity of those stressors when they occur,” the researchers write in the paper. “For instance, people who score high in romantic relationship effectiveness may be more likely to demonstrate caring and responsiveness in other types of relationships (e.g., with family or co-workers), which might reduce exposure to conflict. Moreover, when stressful events due to uncontrollable sources are encountered (e.g., unemployment, death of a family member), people high in relationship effectiveness may also be more likely to possess intrapersonal and interpersonal resources, allowing them to cope better with the stressful life event and reduce its severity.”
So people who are good at romantic love are probably good at dealing with people in other parts of their life, and those skills and emotional experiences set them up to either avoid stressful occasions or deal with them well when they occur.
“Cues of social belongingness and emotional security can facilitate a sense of protection that down-regulates stress reactivity and promotes better sleep,” the researchers explain. “Given that romantic relationships are an especially potent source of social belongingness and emotional security in adulthood, one’s experiences, tendencies, and engagement in his or her romantic relationships should have a particularly strong impact on sleep patterns.”
This is all pretty hard news to hear for anyone who feels like they’ve had a pretty unlucky love life thus far. But don’t worry: The point here isn’t that if romance isn’t the easiest for you, you’re doomed to a life of stress and bad sleep. Rather, this study simply reinforces one of the most important benefits of being in a relationship: being able to learn about how to communicate better, navigate conflicts, take care of another person, and take care of yourself. Relationships are far less about validating your worth as much as they are about learning how to become a better human being.
The good news? You can totally do that without a partner, too. Romantic relationships happen to be a great place to learn those lessons, but so are so many other parts of our social lives—our family relationships, our friendships, our professional connections, and more.
If your sleep and mental health are important to you, then your social relationships should be too. Interfacing with other people is pivotal not only to learning how to deal with stress and conflict but also to having a support system in place during all those bad times. That stability seems to be the real key to being able to have a secure, peaceful night’s sleep over time.
ThoughtCatalog’s Holly Riordan wrote a great piece on something that I know at least I need to be more aware of. The article is about “putting more effort into your forever person” & it is really amazing.
I know that I need to put more effort into my boyfriends and my relationship. He is constantly supportive, sweet, and understanding. He never makes me feel like I am being taken for granted, and treats me like a queen. I definitely need to reciprocate this more often. I knew that I needed to be more kind and caring towards him but this article really helped put things into perspective- check it out!!
Put more effort into your relationship. Do not let your person tumble down your priority list after spending a few years — or even months — together. It’s easy to take the right person for granted. It’s easy to become overly comfortable. It’s easy to forget how lucky you are.
When you chase after the wrong person, you are forced to do the work. You are forced to send the first text. You are forced to plan dates. You are forced to make an effort. Otherwise, they would walk away without a second thought. Otherwise, you would lose them.
When you are with the right person, you don’t have to go the extra mile in order to convince them to stay because they are not going anywhere. But you should go the extra mile anyway because you want to make them happy, you want to give them even more than they believe they deserve.
Put more effort into your forever person. Do not let yourself slip. Do not become a different person than the one they fell for in the first place.
The flirting should not end when you get into an official relationship. The playful banter and kisses on the forehead should be ongoing. Turning someone into your boyfriend/girlfriend does not mean the hard work is over. It is only beginning.
You cannot stop trying once you have snagged someone. Just because they are yours today does not mean they will be yours tomorrow. If you stop treating them as a priority, they might gather their belongings and leave.
Even if your person loves you too much to leave, even if your person never voices any complaints about how you have slowly been neglecting them, you should still treat them right. You should be aware of your own actions. You should step back and ask yourself whether you have been doing your best as a partner.
If you have not, you should take the initiative to change, even if your person has not whined about it yet. Just because they are letting you get away with something does not mean you should be getting away with something. It does not mean you should continue to slack.
Relationships are complex. They are messy. They are complicated. But when you are with the right person, staying together is fairly simple: You need to put effort into the relationship. You need to care.
You put in the effort to chase this person. You should be willing to put in the effort to keep this person.
You should not take your person for granted. You should not forget how much they do for you on a daily basis. You should not underplay how happy they make you.
Put more effort into your forever person. They are the love of your life. They deserve to see the best sides of you. The deserve to be spoiled with affection. They deserve to look at you and know your feelings haven’t changed at all. If anything, they have only grown deeper.