05 Snowboarding & Suicide Series: Coming Back From The Dead


Basically what I anticipated for the rest of my life.

This will be the last post in the Snowboarding & Suicide Series and I am so happy and appreciate anyone who even took a second to glance at it.

All I had to do was make it to the first week of December. I finally had my psychiatry appointment almost an entire month after I tried to kill myself. My boyfriend came for support and I was scared as HELL to bring it up to my doctor. Even in the past when I had felt suicidal I had maybe expressed the wish after the ideations had passed because I was always scared of being committed to a psych ward. The appointment went fine and we created a plan.

I agreed to start an antidepressant “Escitalopram” – also known as Lexapro. While I already knew that the majority of antidepressants take 6-8 weeks to fully kick in, it seemed like a fucked up amount of time for someone who is severely at risk for just …well, you know. But, for the first time in a while I felt an extremely pale shade of what I can only describe as hopefulness. & This is where it started.

Christmas came & went. I enjoyed it for sure, but I did not feel the typical Christmas euphoria that often accompanied the season, and I am like Buddy the fricken Elf at Christmas time. But I only saw a colorblind version of how I usually felt. After two weeks, I went back to see my psychiatrist to discuss how I was reacting to the medication. Nothing notable had changed and I begged to go up in dosage, but I couldn’t at that time and had to wait a bit longer.

The only bad side effect of the antidepressant that I experienced about 2 and a half weeks in were some pretty gnarly night sweats. They are sort of subsiding after being awful for a while, but we are still less than two months in.

Different Types of Antidepressants & Their Common Side Effects:
SSRI’s tend to be most popular.

This is when snowboarding finally becomes relevant to this story. For the past three years, my boyfriend & I have gone snowboarding around my birthday time and this year, we did the same as last & went up for a few nights with our pup. I have been snowboarding since I was 9, and we maintained our new little tradition this year. This was the first time that life had a full blown COLOR.

I am not sure how to really describe what happened on this trip that won’t sound like a load of crap but for the first time in..I can’t say how long.. I felt HAPPY, ALIVE, FREE without trying. Any time before this, if I wondered whether or not the antidepressants were kicking in, I had to consider the situation and DECIDE whether I was happy or not. On the mountain that day, it was just the most surreal experience.

FOR ONCE my brain turned ofF
FOR ONCE I just was in the zone; in the moment
FOR ONCE I was happy without any substances involved

FOR ONCE I felt like I was excited to be alive for the first time in so long I don’t even  have an estimate.

I knew that I had found my “thing” that thing that just makes you feel high when you really aren’t. This isn’t easy for me to find.

Somehow an activity I had engaged in for years became a completely different factor in my life, & made my enjoy and appreciate life genuinely.

That is what will be explored in the next series.

Thanks for tagging along with me for this first series!

So, these days of snowboarding: 1/8/19 & 1/9/19 gave me hope for the future, and was the catalyst for starting a blog and trying to be real about my own issues with mental health to try to help others.

Now, a segue into the next series: “Snowboarding & Self-Care”

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